What a night...

What a not fun night. I got the stomach thing that a few people had last week, and I got it bad. I felt fine when I went to bed, and woke up an hour later with just enough time to run to the bathroom before I got sick. I then proceeded to throw up 25-30 times over the next 10 hours. I had a fever of 103.5, and every inch of my body is in serious pain. I even called my mom at 5am because I was so sick that I couldn't move and wasn't sure what to do. Thankfully, my fever started to break around 1, and I'm feeling a little bit better. I was so bummed about missing kids church though. I'll go a month without going to church or life group, which is way too long. I'm really missing the fellowship and feeling a little dry and slumpy. Hopefully I'm feeling better enough on Tuesday or Wednesday to spend some time with people before I leave for Lauren's wedding.


**Update**
I think today will go down as one of the worst days of my life. My fever that had broken is back up, and I still can't even keep down a few sips of water. Ashley (roommate who's a nurse) happened to stop in this afternoon while she was passing through town to Bloomington. She did say that if tomorrow I still can't even keep down a sip of water I should probably call the doctor. I'm so dehydrated that my vision is blurring and my arms, legs, and face are tingling. Not fun. I hate the flu.

Back Home Blues

I have the back home blues. After being away for two weeks with the family, my schedule is all messed up and my emotions and thoughts are all over the map. I've tried to explain to people that I have to stay busy and keep my schedule full because when I slow down I crash. Welcome crash. I did work out and shower today, but I'm still wearing pj's with stains on them, and laying on the couch in a dark and dirty apartment watching a marathon of one of the worst shows ever: "real housewives of orange county". I hate the back home blues that I always get after a break or extended family time. It usually takes me a few days or even a few weeks to snap back. What is it about that funk that everyone gets in after a break or too much family time?

I'm Back!

I'm back. Home sweet home. Being gone for two weeks is way too long. The past two weeks have been interesting. I'll try to sum it up and go in order.

Graduation: Well, it almost didn't happen because of the snow. Thankfully though, it still did. Everyone made it, and Lauren graduated with highest distinction. Seriously, when they had everyone stand up who had highest distinction, I got all teary because I was so proud. We got some great pictures on my mom's camera, I'll post one as soon as she sends them to me.

Cancun: Pretty good. The weather was amazing, I got to read 5 books, drink a delicious mango-tango every afternoon on the beach, and eat shrimp every day. We even took an hour and a half drive to Tulum to see the Mayan ruins. It was actually pretty neat, the guide who walked us through made everything really interesting. We got to snorkel one day too, which is usually one of my favorite things to do. This time it wasn't as great. The water was FREEZING, their weren't as many bright fish, and the guy rushed us. However, we did swim across several stingrays and a 5 ft long barracuda swam right underneath me. Family stuff was difficult. I went to bed at 8pm every night because my emotions were just running so raw. My family places so much emphasis on weight, food, and exercise. I felt like I was going out of my mind. I just tried to focus on relaxing and enjoying the weather.

Home: What a busy few days. I did so much shopping to get work clothes and found some really great deals. Yesterday, I was watching tv and getting a headache, so I took my glasses off and they broke in half! So my mom rushes me over to lens crafters so fast you'd think I was in some kind of medical emergency. My frames were discontinued, so I had to pick out new glasses. I was so bummed, I loved my glasses. I asked the lady who was helping me to find me something the exact same as what I had. We found something close, and I don't love them, but I'm hoping they'll grow on me. Lauren gets married in 7 days! I can't stop thinking about it, I'm so excited! Tonight I get to watch Raya and Brooks, and I can't wait. I missed those two so much, every time I called Sarah, Raya would ask when I was coming back.

The End

As of 9pm tonight....I'm done with college!!! My finals are done, I'm just waiting for graduation on Sunday afternoon. It's surreal. I can't fathom not having any homework do to. Oh well, I'm jumping around my apartment in celebration!!! WOOHOO!

Top 10 Tuesdays

Ann's blog got me thinking this morning on my way to work....So here are my top 10 reasons why I love working with kids.

10) Kids tell you how it is, they don't sugar coat things or beat around the bush
9) Everything can be done in games, even the serious stuff
8) There are constantly teachable moments if you're looking for them
7) Watching a kid get something they've been working hard on, like tying shoes or zipping their own coat
6) Reading books is cool, you can use all your funny voices
5) Cuddle time
4) You can put motions to any song you're sing loud and off key and it's the greatest thing ever.
3) Holding a sleeping baby has got to be the best feeling in the world
2) A good Dora band aid can save the day.
1) Most kids don't have the emotional baggage that adults have, it keeps those relationships simple and honest.

This list was a good one to make as I was sitting at the doctor's office with one of the kids on my caseload at 7:30am during finals week. Oh work. At least they got my full time position approved, so I'll be full time at the first of the year.

Addictions

Addictions. So interesting. Combined with the rest of the "more than conquerors" series, very interesting. Turns out I'm quite addicted to busyness and people pleasing. And if you ask my roommates or my best friend, I'm addicted to kids too. I think they might be right, I just don't know if I care. And slowly I'm feeling some depression creeping back in to my life. I'm just feeling sad about nothing, and really preferring to stay home alone lately. But because of the last month, I'm getting better at fessing up to my junk and letting people pray for me, even though I did try to run away from Tony last week.

I finally got the sickness that everyone else has had. Luckily, I already had a doctors apt. for tomorrow morning, so I can get some medicine quickly. I'm not very excited about my dr. apt in the morning. I might have some cysts. and they want to be extra sure I don't have any cancerous stuff growing, so I'm just nervous. I've already had so much go on in the past year, with pneumonia, knee surgery, and the seizures. Hopefully everything is fine.

knowledge

Over Thanksgiving my cousin recommended that I read "Having a Mary Hear in a Martha World" by Joanna Weaver. He even went to Barnes and Noble with me to get it. Both is fiance and I struggle a lot with feeling like we need to "do things" for Jesus, instead of letting Jesus do things through us. I had a great conversation with him about feelings so busy all the time, but I can't figure out what needs to go because everything is "good" and I'm trying to use the gifts that God gave me. Well, I've only read the first two chapters of this book, and I LOVE it. I would tell any woman I know to read it, and look at the 12 week companion study that's in the back of the book, the questions take you into scripture and are really thought provoking. This week, I actually laughed out loud reading one section.

"What is it about us women that creates such a desperate need in us to always "know", to always "understand"? We want an itinerary for our life, and when God doesn't immediately produce one, we set out to write our own. "I need to know," we tell ourselves. "No," God answers softly, "you need to trust." But like the original first lady (eve), we push aside his tender voice and head straight for the tree. Not the sacrificial tree of the cross, but the proud, towering beauty called Knowledge. Because, after all, knowledge is power, and power is what we secretly crave."

I'm embarrassed to admit I fall smack dab in the middle of that. If you only knew all the lists I have made of exactly what I'm going to do when, in what order, and how it will turn out. I want to know exactly where my life is going, and when I'm going to be there. I used to make calendars, probably monthly, planning out the next 10 years of my life. I'm learning slowly to relinquish my freakish desire to plan, and trust the one that God's got. What made me laugh about this paragraph in the book was that I know I would not have held out as long as Eve did. I hate not knowing everything, if there are things I don't know then I can be surprised or lose control. Some people call it nosy and controlling, I like to think of it as inquisitive. I would have been sprinting towards that tree, because there was something I didn't know and therefore someone else was in control of the situation. Good thing the future of the human race wasn't on my shoulders, it could have been uglier.

Work and Life = crazy

This has been a fun week at work. They let me move my office! I was in a glorified closet by all the filing cabinets, now I have an office twice that size, it has a window with cute white lace curtains, a chair that doesn't squeak and groan, business cards (I feel very grown up carrying those around), AND.....the real bonus.....an old apple computer from 1990. And the girls and I sat around the office munching on cookies and chatting about life. Oh, and I got my first paycheck, which is always fun.

Besides work, I feel like life is kicking me in the pants right now. I just feel the weight of the world. I don't like holding the fate of a child's life in my hand. I hated having to fight with my family about not being able to counsel my twin cousins and their parents because it's unethical. I got asked to lead the Women Who've Been There support group for women who've been sexually assaulted. Lauren nailed me about how if I want my relationship with Eric to go anywhere I can't just keep fitting him in. I'm really struggling with feeling so burdened with life that it's hard to keep going. I've been listening to a lot of hymns lately, and God's really been speaking to me through them. They've been bringing me a lot of peace lately, and I just think it's funny to listen to slow melodic hymns while I'm running. A real juxtapositions.

what is the world coming to...

I am so sad about the world today. I have twin cousins, Melissa and Alicia, who are a year younger than me. Melissa is a junior in interior design at Indiana University of Pennsylvania, and Alicia is in the air force and stationed in Germany for 2 years. Over Thanksgiving, someone broke in to Melissa's house at IUP and destroyed everything. It was a hate crime. They cut every cord in the house, electrical cords, USB cords, cables, everything. They cut up all their clothing, they poured bleach into all their food and drinks, poured syrup into all electrical appliances, cut their faces out of all their pictures and pasted them together with swear words on them, and graffitied the inside of the apartment. Melissa has been through so much in the past few years. She was a big partier, and has been in two serious car accidents where she almost died both times. Those car accidents were a wake up call to her and she has completely turned her life around, gotten plugged in to a church and Christian group on campus, and totally loves Jesus. But still, she's terrified right now, because they have no idea who did this, and everything she owned was destroyed in hate.

Her twin sister Alicia who's in Germany was attacked this weekend by another Air Force guy who lives in her building. He had a knife, and she was able to fight him in the hallway for 10 minutes until he started to get tired and she could make a run into her apartment and lock the door. Thankfully she wasn't seriously hurt. She's pressing charges, but she still has to see this guy every day and he still lives in her building right now. My heart is breaking for both of them. I want to help, I want to do something! I want to give Melissa everything she's lost, I want to protect Alicia from this guy, but I can't. All I can really do is pray, stay in contact with them, and encourage them in Christ. But my heart is breaking, and all I can seem to do is cry. These things shouldn't happen, but they do, and I feel like my hands are tied. God, show me how I can be there and support them both.

The Game of Life

Eric and I went old school last night and played the game of Life. The only problem was, we couldn't really remember how to play the game. We forgot to pick up career and salary cards, we didn't know we could buy stock, and the worst part was we forgot how you won. Was it the person who reached retirement first? In that case, Eric won. Was it the person who had the most money when they got to retirement? In that case, I definitely won. The funniest thing was that the life tiles and spaces that I landed on were so me. I got to adopt two kids, learn sign language, won a humanitarian award, ran a world record mile, won a marathon, and traveled to Italy. Unfortunately, my split level house that cost $30,000 got hit by a tornado that ended up costing me $125,000.

What does winning in "real" life even mean. It's definitely not who has the most money when they retire, even though it is important to save/plan for retirement. It's probably not who gets to retire first. I know that winning in life has everything to do with Jesus, but I don't totally know what it looks like. Something to ponder on my run...

Home sweet home

It's so good to be home again. By home I mean West Lafayette, some people think that home is where your parents live so I need to clarify. The trip went so much better than I thought it would, until this morning. Apparently if you wear your hair in a ponytail to church, you are an embarrassment to the family and it makes you ugly. Anyways, at the grandparents I had great conversations with my favorite cousins, got more sleep that I thought I would with 6 of us kids sleeping on the floor in the basement. It was great to see how God's really changed a few of their lives, and where there's some great opportunity for God to work still. One fun thing, my family surprised me with a graduation party. It was good to celebrate with them all, and my uncle who's a great public speaker gave a speech about me that was really nice.

Thanksgiving!

I am at grandma's house, and thankfully their neighbor has an unprotected wireless signal that I can pick up. 5 days without the Internet is just too much for me. Grandma's house is going better than expected, besides the fact that they got a dog since the last time I was here, and I didn't bring my inhaler, epi pen, or medicine. My nose has stopped running, my eyes aren't swollen shut any longer, but my lungs are closing up. I suspect that a trip to an urgent care clinic will be in order by the end of the day. Right now I'm gasping for air every minute or two, not a very fun experience.

I thought I'd make a list of 10 new things that I'm thankful for this year, here it goes!
1) RVC, I have a "family" better than any biological family you could imagine
2) Lifegroup
3) Graduating early
4) Found a job (debra corn agency), and have a second job waiting in the wings (vision of hope)
5) God brought some real healing from a lot of my junk
6) Karissa, my long lost soul sister
7) All the kiddos that I get to see grow up
8) Kids church, the chance to see these kids love who Jesus is
9) Got to take a real vacation last Christmas on a cruise
10) Family got through some serious medical issues no worse for the wear

sermons

Sunday's sermon was really good. I'm so excited for these next four sermons on being more than a conqueror. I'm definitely a people pleaser addict. When Tony talked about the lengths he would go to just so that people would like him, I really got thinking about the things I've done in the past few years in a vain effort to make everyone like me. It wasn't pretty, that's for sure. The last year of my life really got jumbled up though. What's the line between serving others and people pleasing? In my head it's pretty grey. Because I want to serve others to make things easier for them and bring them some joy, and a side effect is that they like me too. I haven't totally wrapped my mind around it yet, but I'm trying. I've been pushing aside dealing with the people pleasing addiction, guess it's time to face the music.

The one sermon I'm not looking forward to because I know it will nail me is the one on busyness. Definitely an area in my life that needs a close hard look. A few months ago I said that I would be home by 7pm one night a week. Well, that hasn't happened in over a month. I've gone way past the boundary of appropriate busyness. I was at Barnes and Nobles the other day and saw the study on being a Mary in a Martha world. I don't even want to look at it, I know I'm falling hard on the Martha side. To try and soothe my mind, I try and justify things with the fact that I'm still having time with God every morning before classes or work. But even that is getting shorter and shorter, and my thoughts are so cluttered with junk that it's hard to concentrate. I'm going to use the long car ride to spend some time with God, and really look at what's going on in my life. I know that things are so much better now than they were a few months ago, but the refining is never really over.

End of the Beginning

I graduate from college in 29 days. My best friend gets married in 49 days. So much is changing, especially this week. I started volunteer training for Vision of Hope, I started training for my job at Debra Corn Agency, and I had my last day at the YWCA today. I really don't do well with goodbye's after having to move so much as a kid. I try and avoid them at all costs, so I just snuck out the back door at the Y today. I'm totally ok with that.

Volunteer training for VOH. Amazing, really there aren't any other words for it. I really hope that some day in the near but not super close future a job opens up for me there. It's really challenging me to memorize scripture more. I sit in training and everyone else is like, "oh yeah, it says in Galatians....." I wish I could do that, and I want to know so much more about my God, who he is, what he's like, what he's promised us.

New job at Debra Corn Agency. Well, right now it's boring. I'm just doing my training, which on Thursday consisted of 4 hours of sitting in a quiet room all by myself reading papers and articles about the legal process these kids go through. Monday I will continue that reading for 4 or 5 more hours. Then I have to watch a bunch of videos and take a quiz on the HIPPA stuff. After that I get to start shadowing. When I left for work Thursday, I looked in the mirror at myself and laughed. I really am growing up. It was like I was staring at some other woman who looks like she's got her stuff together and knows exactly what she's doing. I sure don't have all my stuff together (and I don't think anyone ever has everything together), nor do I know what I'm doing. I'm wavering back and forth between my NANC certification, an MSW (masters in social work), or a masters in counseling. I get to see my really cool cousin over Thanksgiving, and I can't wait to talk about this with him and spend time praying about it. I'm hoping the few days away in Pennsylvania will bring some clarity, not just more family drama.

Thankfulness

I went to volunteer training for Vision of Hope today. Even if I don't agree 100% with their counseling practices, I was affirmed that this is still a place that I want to be. It was really enlightening to sit there, listening to Jocelyn (the director) talk about what these girls are going through and know that a year ago I was sitting in the exact same place a lot of those girls are. It's amazing how much God can change people. One of the practices they're going to have the girls do in morning devotions is name 15 things they are thankful for each day that haven't been repeated previously. I tried it, and it was amazing the difference it made in my outlook on the day. It took an alright day to great, and I'm going to try it every night. Here's my list for today in no specific order. I'd encourage you to try it, it's amazing how often we forget to be thankful for everything!

1. Getting the first shower this morning so the water was really hot
2. My eggs and pear for breakfast were really delicious
3. There was no line at Walgreens when I ran in for a quick errand
4. When my coffee spilled in the car it missed my khaki's and just spilled on the floor
5. I had time to run several errands before VOH training at 9am
6. I brought my favorite CD with me and had an awesome worship session in the car
7. I hit all green lights and no traffic so I was miraculously not late this morning
8. I don't have to make up my exam I missed today until Wednesday
9. VOH training reaffirmed that God really does heal people completely
10. Panel of grad school people in class offered a lot of insight
11. I had time for a long nap this afternoon
12. I woke up from my nap to the perfect sound of rain
13. I had time to eat lunch before class, which never usually happens
14. I get to watch Brooks and Raya tonight, I miss them so much after a week!
15. The weather is the perfect temperature for open windows.

Overwhelmed

I'm still feeling overwhelmed with all that God is teaching me right now. Church today really got me thinking about what I'm willing to do for others. I really got what Geno was saying about for him it's not money, but time. I'm totally the same way, my time is so tight that even giving up 10 minutes to call someone and check on them is tough. Definitely something for me to be thinking about this week.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with emotions. I guess I'm more exhausted than overwhelmed now. So much is going on in my life lately, and the emotional effort to deal with all of it without being self destructive is exhausting me. Last night I was yawning by 6:30! Eric always makes fun of me because I start yawning around 8 every night. The effort to learn how to deal with my emotions exhausts me. I think I just need to nap more.

So much learning, so little time

I had coffee with Halie this morning, always a blast. We're both feeling like God is teaching us so much, so fast. I'm re-reading one of my favorite books, Uprising: A Revolution of the Soul right now. It's one of those books that is incredibly life changing every time you read it (in case you're curious, this is my 4th read). This week I'm reading the chapter on humility, and really digging in to what the Bible says about humility. Here's a little excerpt from the book:

Humility brings us to God not out of obligation, but out of gratitude. Humility demands nothing of God nor in any way would ever consider claiming any rights or position. When we humble ourselves, we choose the place of least honor and allow God to call us to any role of servanthood He might desire. Humility begins with an emptying of ourselves so that we can receive from God all that we need for the journey.

I thought a lot about letting God put me in any role he wants, even if it's not "fun" or something I think I'm really good at. I have a lot more thoughts about that, which could take up way too much room in this blog, so if you want to know, ask.

Also, the job situation. In the end, I decided not to take the position at Vision of Hope because it would mean me leaving RVC entirely for one year. Both me and the director thought that wouldn't be good for me, there's no reason to leave a good healthy church where you're learning and connected. But I am going to volunteer there, and start working on my NANC certification, which is biblical counseling. Luckly, Faith is one of the national training centers. Hopefully in a year or so they'll need another staff person who doesn't live in the house, which could be me! God taught me a lot in the midst of all that decision making and intense angst. As soon as I finished talking with the director, I picked up my phone to call Sarah but realized she was in Florida so put it down. Then I went to call Lauren, and Emily, both of whom were busy and couldn't talk. God really taught me a lot about running straight to Him first and talking all of my thoughts out. I learned a lot about God being my shepherd and leading me. Friends are great, but I need to learn to lean on God a little more, and friends a little less.

I have a lot of stuff stirring in my heart right now. I'm excited to see where God takes it all, because you know it's going to be good!

Time for serious prayer

So, it's time to do some serious praying. I did an informational interview with Vision of Hope today for a class project. It's a residential treatment center for women 14-28 who are struggling with unwed pregnancy, drug and alcohol addiction, eating disorders, or self harm and want to voluntarily get help through a Biblical center. Well, after I finished all of my questions for my class project, and I was so interested and impressed that I asked her more questions. I was asking so many questions that were really specific comparing it to my own experience in a treatment center. To make a long story short, I ended up telling her about my own journey with an eating disorder and self harm, and she was really interested in what made me change, which was 100% God. At the end of our chat, she asked me to strongly consider applying to be one of their three live in staff residents. I have to send her my information by Wednesday morning. Of course, this has to be the week that Sarah is out of town and Lauren is too busy to chat this out with me. It's time for some serious prayer, and I need to find someone to talk this out with.

What a weekend

Sorry for not posting in so long, last week was too busy to find time to eat or sleep. Anyways, here's an update on my life.

Job:
I'm going to accept the job at the foster care and adoption agency. It's a huge leap of faith, so keep praying. They just submitted a grant proposal to get another full time position, but they won't know for about 2 months if they got it or not. Also, the agency is redoing their budget, so even if they get the grant for another full time position, they have no idea what they would be paying me. So, come January I might not have a job after all, or I might be getting a salary small enough to qualify for food stamps. But God really confirmed for me this weekend that foster care is where I'm supposed to be.

Conference:
The conference this weekend was amazing. I still have crying hangover I think. Anyways, God really messed me up this weekend, but in a good way. I realized that I've never forgiven my ex for the things that happened, and it's causing some serious issues now. Did some serious crying and got angry that Jesus forgives people who hurt or kill kids. But got some great prayer, and realized that as much as my heart breaks over this, Jesus' heart breaks even more. But Jesus still wants to forgive those people, and He loves them too.

Other stuff:
I've been getting really bad headaches this week. And for the past 2 weeks every time that I go to church, lifegroup, or at the conference, I start running a fever, get a headache, and get really dizzy. Don't totally know what that's about.

So Happy

I had a beautiful bouquet waiting for me from a certain boy when I got home today. And the timing couldn't have been better. I had such a rough day yesterday, and was super stressed out today, but now I'm pretty happy! I've never gotten flowers from a boy before :-)

Crazy Morning

What a day. Church this morning was great. I loved the sermon, it really fit with what I've been thinking about all week. During second service I sat in the lobby and talked with Lauren and Karissa, and we all just shared stuff that was stressing us out. Then baptisms, always great. For some reason I just lost it during baptisms and was sobbing, but it was a good cry. I'm just going through some weird stuff right now.

After church I really just needed to get away with my thoughts and just spend time with God. I ended up taking a 3 hour walk through Happy Hollow. It was amazing, I cried and prayed for a while. I was feeling really unsettled still as I was walking home, when my iPod switched to the song "You are Redemption". I just started laughing. I was thinking of that squishy sheep petting Jesus, but what I need is the strong powerful God right now. There was one line in the song, "You are the warrior, riding to battle, declaring his love for his bride." My emotions are still all over the place, and I'm trying to work through some stuff, but it's ok, God's riding into battle for me.

Pumpkin Carving!

Tonight, Eric, Lauren, and I carved pumpkins. Somehow in Eric's 27 years of life, he has never carved a pumpkin! It was the most fun I've had in a really long time. We had to make it a full experience. You had to pick out your own pumpkin, carve it free handed, and then we roasted the seeds at the end. Lauren's purse design was definitely the best one artistically, but I think Eric won for creativity. He had to perform a little pumpkin surgery with my stapler when his entire design fell out.

What a week

What a week. I have pushed way past the limit of stressed out and exhausted, and I don't think it's good for me. I've done the same project several times trying to get it right but still turned in a not perfect copy, had an emotionally draining week with a roommate in crisis, and took some midterms. In my night class I started getting really dizzy and disoriented, and I freaked out that I was going to have another seizure. Thankfully, I didn't, all things in my cute little brain are safe.

I interviewed with Debra Corn Agency this afternoon, and it is the perfect place for me. It fits where my heart is at so perfectly. I think the interview went really well, and I'm going to personally drop off thank you notes tomorrow for the girls who interviewed me, plus the application they gave me to fill out. I'll keep praying, but this job just really seems like it's it.

My family is going to be here this weekend. My mom really wants to meet Eric at church, so I'm going to be playing interception or some word like that. I really don't need to add family in to the mix. It'll be interesting.

Dependency

I was doing my quiet time this morning, going through a Kay Arthur study on the Beatitudes titled "Lord, only you can change me." One line at the end of today's part really got me thinking.

If God withdrew from you, from your church, from your ministry, what difference would it make?

I was so mad at my initial reaction. I immediately thought, I'd keep on going, I'd make it work. That's so not it Mindy! If God isn't the focal point of your life, church, ministry, etc., it shouldn't even be able to function anymore. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I have to do and performing that I completely lose my dependency on God. It was a big eye opener. How much am I trying to do on my own power? The answer is sadly, a lot. I think this is a question that I'm going to need to be asking myself a lot, probably daily, from now on. If God wasn't a part this day, what difference would it make?

Oh, and one more happy tidbit of news: I have an interview Thursday afternoon with Debra Corn Agency, Inc. for a position where I could start part time now and switch to full time in January.

Kids Church

I had a real "these kids get it" moment in kids church today. It was time for prayer, which usually turns in to a comparison of boo-boos. Well, today was still the comparison of boo-boo's, but the kids were all about the prayer. They were all laying hands on each other and offering to pray instead of me doing it. The best was when Raya had an invisible one on her little toe, and Lilly ran over there, grabbed Raya's foot, and yelled "I'll pray, I'll pray!" and then did it. I love hearing little kids talk to God, it's so simple and perfect.

Some other fun stuff happened today with a certain guy. We're now officially dating. :-)

Great day

Friday was a great day. After my hardest and busiest week of the semester which included 3 exams and 3 projects due plus some extra stuff for the Crisis Center and church this week, Friday at 9:30 am I could finally relax and sleep. I laid on the couch for a while and watched Greys Anatomy and Private Practice, got up and made some lunch, had coffee with Emily which is always awesome, took a 3 hour nap, taught swim lessons and the kids were all in good moods, then went out to dinner and mini-golfing with Eric which was the highlight of the day. Turns out I am really bad at mini golf, and he isn't much better. But I did make the hole in one at the end where you hit it in the clown's mouth! It was a day full of great things.

AND...I had two different people call me wanting to interview me for a job! They both called while I was at work, so I didn't get the message till after 6 when they had left, but I'll call them back first thing Monday. Anyways, the people who called. The first is Debra Corn Agency, Inc. It's a foster care and adoption agency in town. Their little tag line is "treating the whole child in a broken world." I'm pretty pumped about that because from all the research I've done it seems pretty awesome. Vision of Hope also called. That's a new residential treatment center for women that Faith Baptist is opening in December. Also really cool. This one might be more of a stretch because I would have to complete some more school to earn a professional counseling degree, which I don't really want to do. But it sure doesn't hurt to do the interview and find out more. Still praying that God will bring me to the right job.

Why?

I'm having one of those days where I just want to have things out with God. Why do great people lose babies? I understand the whole "hear but not yet" thing and that Satan definitely has power in this world, but why? You say the word miscarriage around me, and I guarantee you that I will instantly burst in to tears and not be able to stop for a while. I just don't understand it. Why do wonderful women lose babies, it's not right. To be honest, I'm feeling pretty angry with God right now. On top of that, I think I'm going through one of those weeks where I'm really feeling banged against the rocks. I can't stop crying about Ashley and Todd planning their wedding. I'm crushed that kids church went bad because that's the one thing that I'm supposed to be good at, and I put a lot of effort in to last week, and it went horribly. I'm not doing a good job of communicating with a certain person and I feel pretty horrible about that. I know that God is ultimatly good. And I'm reading James 1 trying to come to terms with some stuff. What I really need to do is walk to my bridge in Happy Hollow, sit there, and talk this all out with God. I know I won't get all the answers, but at least a peace about something would be nice.

Volunteering

"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give." ~Sir Winston Churchill

Someone gave me a bookmark with this quote on it today. It is so true, and so the way I think about life. If I could make a career out of volunteering, I would do it. I want to volunteer everywhere. The crisis center, the domestic violence shelter, big brothers big sisters, LUM, community and family resource center, etc. I'll just keep praying that I find the right job. I should hear back in around 2 weeks from Healthy Families. Keep praying.

Fall

I LOVE fall. I think fall is the best season ever. I want to get married in the fall some day. I am really trying to soak up as much fall as I can. I've been drinking some hot cider every morning (sugar free of course, since I'm trying to lose my knee surgery 10 lbs). I've started running again slowly, so that I can look at the pretty trees and enjoy the crisp weather. I'm loving my hoodies and fleece pants. I've made some yummy pumpkin muffins a few times, and made lots and lots of applesauce. I've been doodling leaves and pumpkins on my class notes. I'm thinking that for my kids craft for RVCTV tomorrow I'll bring in a bag of those little pumpkins, some googly eyes, and some markers and they can decorate a pumpkin to take home. Fall is fantastic. I'm really glad that God thought it up, and that I live in a part of the country that actually gets a fall. If anyone is participating in fall activities and wants a tag along, you can call me!

10pm rant

It's time for a 10pm rant. Where's Sarah when I need her, she can usually rant with me. I'm feeling so angry with social injustices right now. People's dad's shouldn't die. Kids shouldn't be abused. Miscarriages shouldn't happen. I want a perfectly happy sunny world. I don't like that Satan can mess with things. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Engagement

So, it finally happened. Ashley(roommate) and Todd(ex) are engaged as of last night and getting married in August. I'm happy for them, it's an exciting time. I'm also now painfully aware of the scars that I still have from when he and I broke up like a year and a half ago. One of those days where I'm just wandering around the apartment wondering if he was right when he said that I wasn't worth it, and then getting mad at myself for defining my worth through a guy who wasn't right for me. I just don't really know what to think about it all. I'm incredibly confused.

Interview

I had my interview with Healthy Families today, and I think it went really well. They asked me a lot of situational questions like "can you ever spoil a child" and "what would you tell a mom of a 0-4 month old about discipline." But I really liked the team leaders that interviewed me, and I love the mission of the organization. And come on, I could get paid to talk with parents about their kids and how to be better parents in their difficult circumstances. So now, I just wait and pray. It'll be about 3 weeks before I hear back because they are running an ad in the paper and want to see who else applies.

bittersweet morning

What a bittersweet morning. Had a text message from Tiffany when I woke up that Ike's dad really wasn't doing well, which was pretty sudden. Went to class where we talked about death. Got home, had a message that Ike's dad died this morning while I was in class. Then I got an interview with Healthy Families on Monday morning, and someone in our apartment is getting flowers delivered today but we don't know who or who they're from. So it's a very bittersweet day. My emotions are very confused.

Coffee shop talk

"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him." Philippians 1:13

Pretty sweet verse that I read the other day. Totally unrelated to the rest, just thought I'd share it. Kim Stroik and I had a great talk Sunday night at a new coffee shop by our place. We decided we're going to try and make Sunday night chats at a coffee shop a regular thing. It was great to really process the sermon after I'd had a few hours to think about it. We're both definitely external processors, so the conversation just kept on going. I really liked the sermon on elders and deacons. I definitely see a few areas in my life that need some work, and it was a good reminder that it's ok to desire to be a leader, not something I need to feel guildy about. Our talk last night centered around how do you have lists like these of things you need to be without becoming legalistic, which is something that I really struggle with. Very good talk on why things like this are so important, and how to keep it from becoming a list of rules of things I can and can't do. Also a good talk on how women compare themselves so much, and these kinds of lists can really be a struggle. I find myself looking at the list of things that the deacons (servants) should be doing and feeling like the other kids church teachers are all so much better. I know that these kinds of thoughts are a huge way that Satan attacks me, so it was really good to talk it out with Kim and see that I'm not the only one who thinks like that sometimes.

Rocks

"The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever flowing spring." Psalm 58:11

I am really enjoying finding these verses about going through a valley, whether it's a spiritual, physical, or emotional one. I want to be like a well watered garden or an ever flowing spring. I sure don't feel like one right now. To tie in a kids church lesson from a few weeks ago, I feel like I have a lot of rocks in my heart right now that are making it hard for God to plant seeds that will grow into big strong things that produce something useful. Rocks keep you from being a good garden or a stream that keeps flowing. I can feel the rocks, I just don't know what they all are. And I know that there are some real "rocks", and some things that feel like rocks but are really just a bunch of lies and guilt about having rocks in the first place. If only my awesome hand puppet Rocky could talk me through this one :-)

Lord, open up my eyes so that I can see the rocks in my heart that are keeping me from growing deeper with You. Continue to guide me through this valley with strength to go one day at a time.

Things are looking up

"But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness in you. May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, "God is great!" But as for me, I am poor and needy; please hurry to my aid, O God. You are my helper and my savior; O Lord, do not delay." Psalm 70:4-5

I had a great realization in my quiet time this morning. Even king David went through serious spiritual droughts. And he was honest with God about it. It's ok to tell God that I'm just not feeling it right now and I need his help. Thoughts that will come in the next few days as I continue to process: I have lost the sense of worship in all of the work that happens on Sundays. More to come probably tomorrow, I still need to think a bit on this one.



On another note, I made an effort counteract the last few days that have been not so good. I went to my favorite coffee shop to have my quiet time, only to find that they just posted a sign saying that they are closing Sunday for a month while they move to another location that's on the other side of campus. Bummer. But I continued my efforts. It was a beautiful day and I enjoyed the nice weather. I was strong and told Julie that I wouldn't be at the guys place for game night, that I just really needed some me time. So, cleaned the apartment up, I made a ton of homemade applesauce which I might bring to the church picnic, I made pigs in a blanket for tailgating with the family tomorrow, and I dyed my hair a chestnut brown. It's 10pm and I am ready to curl up in bed with a book, some hot apple cider, and just relax. Roommate and her boyfriend tried to make me feel like a loser for staying home alone on a Friday night, but they will not rain on my parade. I need to regroup, and it feels great.

breakdown

I am having a real breakdown the last few days, which culminated tonight in a few hours of crying and venting. I just feel like when I was a little girl and I would play with my dolls and stuffed animals and I would be sitting in the middle with a big mess all around me and I couldn't figure out how to stand up without stepping on something. I am sitting here staring at the mess that I've made of time management, my school work, my spiritual walk, guy issues, future plans, and then family which I didn't create but is still a mess in front of me. I think to take care of the time management, school, and spiritual mess I will have to make a slightly bigger mess of one of the other things. I just feel like I'm falling apart a little bit, well, a lot a bit. I know that I should be turning to God, it's really my only option. I'm just feeling so spiritually dry lately that it's hard. Hence why I'm feeling so lost.

So frustrated.

I'm having a really frustrating morning. I didn't wake up in time to read through the kids lesson one last time if I wanted to be at church early, which I did because I don't like feeling rushed. But we were rushed because some people ran pretty late this morning so we didn't have the help we needed. Then the kids were a little rambucious this morning so it was hard to teach effectively. Then I'm just a girl and have a hard time realizing when I'm letting my imagination run with things and get disappointed when I get hit with reality. So I came home to eat lunch and just calm my mind. Instead my mom calls and tells me that she just doesn't like the jobs that I'm applying for, that I'm going about it all wrong, and that I'm just going to crash and burn and these jobs are not for me. I really wanted to tell her that maybe she should just pray that I get the right job, but I was crying and pretended like someone was at the door so I could go. I just am really at this point where I just don't understand anything right now. I don't understand my own heart, my family, what I want to do with my life, anything.

personal day

Today I got to take a "personal day". It wasn't on purpose, but I think God knew I just needed a little bit of me time that I really haven't had lately. I worked at the crisis center all night, and didn't get a wink of sleep. I thought I had pink eye and the itching kept me up all night long. So, thinking I had pink eye, I called the pool first thing in the morning and said that I wouldn't be in to teach my aquacise classes or my special needs kids today. I went home, took some allergy medicine, and my eye cleared right up. I must have gotten some dust or pollen or something in my eye, and then rubbing it around in there all night made it seem like I had pink eye. Since I had already callen in sick for work, I decided I didn't need to call back and say never mind I can come in. So I took a personal day. I took a 3 hour nap, got Lauren's birthday present, and tried to do some shopping at the mall for professional clothes but only ended up with one sweater. It was just a nice relaxing day and I feel so rejuvinated. This is the first time in college that I've really had the time to have a social life, and I think I'm enjoying it a little too much. I need to set some limits for myself, like being in by 10 on week nights, and picking one night of the week where I will stay home and do homework so that I'm not scrambling every single morning to finish stuff up. I love having friends, being connected, and hanging out with people, I just need to remember that I'm still a student. And that I'm a true introvert at heart and need some me time each week to recharge. All in all, a great day, and now I'm off to see Bill play at the coffee house my friend owns.

Thank you Jesus!

I thought today was going to be not so good, turns out it was great! I have been going through some family stuff and spiritual stuff lately and needed to talk about it, so I was going to hang out with Emily, but she accidentally double booked herself. So then I was going to chat with Summer, but poor Izzie came down with a double ear infection and a sinus infection. So, I took a nice long nap instead and got all my homework finished so that I could definitely go to Kim's house for the High School Musical marathon. Best decision I have ever made. I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard, or felt so inclined to dance along with the tv to have my picture taken. Thank you Jesus for awesome girl friends who know how to have fun without having to drink or have guys around. I definitely needed to just relax and have some fun. Life's problems will still be there when I wake up in the morning, but for now I'm listening to a nice mix of Disney songs and grooving in my room because I am just not ready for this night to be done. I love good clean fun!

When does my life actually become mine?

I applied for another job today with Healthy Families. It's a really cool organization with family services and it really does sound like the perfect job for me. To visit families of kids from birth-3 yrs old and talk about child development with the parents, and answer their parenting questions. The point is that education and support prevents parents from from abusing their kids. The other job I applied for is the sexual abuse family treatment intervention program case manager at the CFRC. I called my mom to tell her about them, I am really trying to let her in to my life some, but things like this make it really hard. She doesn't think that I should work with kids who ever were, are, or could be abused. Or people with eating disorders, mental health issues, behavioral problems, preschools, in any kind of church ministry, or in any kind of case manager position for that matter. So when does my life actually become mine? I don't want to be a business person like she and my dad are. I want my mom to be happy or supportive of my career, I'm not going in to it for the money or the glory, I'm really just want to speak for the kids who don't have the ability to do it for themselves. But I need to follow my heart and the passions that God has given me, not her passion for me. I'm just feeling really discouraged because I'm really discovering and pursing my passion, but meeting so much resistance from my family. I mean, she is praying that I don't get these jobs. And she's talking to all of her friends to make sure they agree with her that I shouldn't do this. It stings that my mom is praying against my dreams.

Great night

Tonight is fantastic. Lauren and I are having a date night, since we don't live together and she is going home so much to plan the wedding and see Michael. It's our way of making sure that we're still connecting. Anyways, we had dinner which was pretty simple but yummy. Then we made some chocolate chunk brownies with vanilla frozen yogurt. We talked about her shower that was yesterday, the wedding, how we're growing up. Then we made some candied almonds. Now she's making some stationary and I'm continuing to teach myself sign language. It's just good to reconnect. I forgot that she gets me so well, and it's so fun to hang out. I just feel really loved and encouraged and happy. It's a great feeling

"reading your mail"

I had a "reading your mail" moment in lifegroup tonight. Well, I call it reading your mail when someone else tells you exactly what's going on in your heart when you haven't said a word to anyone. Well, Haley was so scared to share that she thought I might be feeling lonely, which is totally true. I'm just struggling with being at a different life stage than all of my friends and finding ways to relate to them. Anyways, I'm getting some prayer, thinking that I'm feeling so numb and I don't really want to listen to God because I'm afraid of what I might get. And Julie starts praying about something totally unrelated to loneliness, then hits the nail on the head. I have been really struggling with spending time with God lately. It usually consists of me collapsing into bed each night crying and all I can get out is help me, I have no idea what I'm doing. I have been really struggling with reading my Bible or spending any real time in prayer because I feel so overwhelmed with how wrong everything is and I don't want to keep finding things that are wrong with me. I've been really discouraged at life group the past 2 months as we are reading "naturally supernatural" because it's full of amazing stories, and our life group is full of amazing stories. Well, I have no amazing stories and I never seem to hear anything from God or have anything to say. Another what's wrong with me or I don't fit in moment. Anyways, Julie pretty much summed that up for me, which of course was good. I spent a long time talking with Lauren tonight about everything. Really, I have got to start reading my Bible again and spending time in prayer, even if I'm scared. God loves me and is full of grace, compassion and mercy. He's not waiting for me to screw things up so he can point it out. Amazing how much things get twisted up in our heads when we don't say anything about them.

Morning of realizations

I had some good and some hard realizations this morning. I went to the doctor to review my test results. Basically as of now there's no reason for why I get dizzy, pass out, have seizures, etc. So for now, we're waiting to see. Maybe it will never happen again. If it does, as long as I remember what happened I just need to call them and they'll want to see me. And if I have another one where I don't remember anything that happened I need to go to the ER. My realization from this whole thing is that I have to totally rely on God for what is going on. Right now He's definitely the only one who knows what's going on in my body and I just have to be ok with it. Not so fun realization at the doctor's this morning was that they weighed me, and I am officially the heaviest I have ever been. That wasn't fun. I also realized what I need to do with work. I need to only teach aquacise 3 days a week for an hour. I get to tell my interim boss that tomorrow. I'm pretty freaked out. But I need to stop trying to make everyone happy and do what I need to do.

patience

My mind is spinning out of control right now. I'm really struggling to be patient in several different areas of my life. I feel like I'm in some kind of holding stage where I can see everything in front of me but I just can't get there yet. It's making it hard to live day to day life and still care about things. And because I'm a silly girl, most of my thoughts are governed by emotions which are completely unreliable and change 600 times a minute. I am just so confused. What I need is to snuggle up in a blanket on the couch with a cappuccino and the wise mind of my best friend and talk this stuff out. But since neither of us have time until this weekend, now's a great time to snuggle in my bed with a diet coke and my big journal full of unlined pages with lots of space and journal all my thoughts out, shut the cover, and not look at it again for a few days.

decision time

It's time for some decisions. My life needs to be tweaked a little, my priorities are not lining up with my activities.
Decision #1: Cut back on my hours at the Y. Hold me accountable to this one, because I'm most scared about this. I'm going to get rid of my Monday and Wednesday afternoon private lessons, which only gets rid of 4 hours a week, but its an important 4 hours. I had the whole week off because the pool is closed this week, and I actually got my homework done, exercised, slept well, ate well, and spent time hanging out with people. My plan is to go to work tomorrow and spend some time on the phone with my swim lesson parents trying to reassign them to other instructors. I currently don't have a boss since her last day was Tuesday and they haven't hired anyone else. Great time to cut back with the intention of quitting soon. Oh well, it's gotta be done.
Decision #2: This one needs to be prayed about because I just don't know. I know that I am 100% completely burned out at the Crisis Center. I've barely been volunteering there lately, and I still dread every shift. But I really believe in the cause, and I see a lot of organizational problems. I know that the board of directors has empty chairs, and I am considering resigning as a volunteer and joining the board. But I just wouldn't be me if I wasn't volunteering somewhere. Right now I don't know if I want to volunteer at CASA or Big Brothers, Big Sisters. CASA is court appointed special advocates for children who are in the system because they have been abused or neglected in some way. Big brothers, big sisters I would obviously have a little sister. I just want to really invest in some kids lives who really need it. I just need to pray some more about it.
Decision #3: This one also is going to require some more prayer time. I just don't know what job I want to pursue, and that's kind of an important one. School based case management, family life education, child care, therapy, children/family services. These people are all coming to our professional development class, so hopefully when I hear them talk I'll be able to decide.

Hindsight's always 20/20

I know I always say how much I can't wait to be done with school, but there are so many more classes that I want to take! I wish I could have taken sign language because I'll probably need it, or children and stress, guidance in early childhood, and developmental assessment. Really I just want to take those classes because I don't totally know what I want to do, and I really focused on therapy and counseling but I think I want to work with children more. I should have dropped my psych major to a minor sooner and taken those classes. Oh well. I'm still excited to graduate. And I'll learn what I need to learn for the job I end up with.

church

Church was good today. My mom and brother both came since my mom was here for the weekend to celebrate his birthday. The sermon really spoke to my mom, she was asked to lead a women's small group at her church at home, and she was really nervous about it. But she said that she feels really good about it now, and that it's probably better that she feels like she has no clue what she's doing because God's going to have to do it. Talked with lots of people after church who were really feeling something hitting home. I feel so grateful for the community that I have at RVC. I never have been a part of a healthy community before, I never fit in with my real family very much, and any group that I identified with before was usually pretty self destructive. I love that I have so many people I can call if I just need to chat, or need help with something, or want someone to celebrate with. RVC is the reason that I decided to stay in Lafayette for good after graduation, and I couldn't be happier. Yay for community, I love it.

good news!

Today is full of good news! I got my EEG (look at my brain waves) back, and the results were all normal. I think that means I can probably stop having the nightmare where I have a brain tumor and I'm bald for Lauren's wedding in January. They did my EKG (look at my heart rhythms) today, and were able to schedule my tilt table test for Monday morning, which means that by Sept 4th we should have a pretty good idea of what's going on. I had my first day back in ballet today as well, and I noticed something that I think will help the doc figure me out. Every time we did a cambre (just a back bend with your arm extended over your head) I got really dizzy, and every time I stretched one or both arms above my head I got really dizzy. Clues are good things.

Other good news.....I ran for the first time since surgery tonight! I am definitely very out of shape, but I can run! Even if it's only a little bit right now, I'm still very happy.

Just wait, the good news isn't over yet. Allie, my new roommate, is a foods and nutrition major. For one of her classes, they have to find someone to counsel. Like make them food plans, exercise programs, all that stuff. Since I have put on quite a bit of squish since I had knee surgery and my clothing choices are getting limited, I get to be her counselee. So starting in a few weeks she has to meet with me twice a week to help me make meal plans and exercise plans, and she lives with me so she'll keep me to it. I'm excited. I'm glad to have someone teach me how to eat properly now that I'm putting my food issues behind me.

last first day of school

Today was my last first day of school. It feels good, the end is definitely in sight. I really liked the classes I've had so far. I'm taking:
~individual and group intervention and therapy
~family intervention and therapy
~working with parents
~career and professional development
~working for nonprofit organizations
~business writing (online)
~ballet
Yup, 7 classes. This is the good stuff. I'm really excited for my career and professional development class. It's required for your last semester before you graduate or get an internship. Basically we meet twice a week and different people from the greater Lafayette area, or even Indy, come and tell us about their place and then beg us to work for them. The point of the class is to land a job or internship. I'm really excited because I know I want to stay here, and now I get to have lots of people from around here come and beg for me to work for them for basically no money. Good thing I really love what I'm going in to. Today I totally connected with Tony's sermon from 2 weeks ago when he talked about sometimes being ashamed or trying to hide the fact that he's a pastor. Not that I didn't connect with that before, but I had one of those moments today. We had to share in class what we eventually hope to do professionally, and I was embarrassed to say that I would love to eventually be a children's pastor some day. It's so dumb and I don't totally understand it. I've been praying for God to open my eyes to someone in my classes who really needs to experience Him. I'm pretty sure that being really ashamed that I want to be a children's pastor some day isn't the way to get there. My major is pretty split into the Christian girls and the wild party animals. The groups usually stay to themselves, but we have lots of assigned group projects in various classes this semester, so the opportunities will be there to really get to know these other girls more. Time to start praying for open eyes and an extra shot of boldness.

interesting day

Lauren is back!!!! I didn't realize how much I missed her until this morning. I have lots of people here who are so supportive of me, and I finally feel like a part of a family at RVC, but nothing replaces your best friend. I just really missed having that person who you can talk about any and everything with. I'm excited to be able to plan the wedding with her, I can't believe she'll be married in a few months! I'm just happy to have her back and get a good quality Lauren hug.

In other news, my mom is coming up next weekend. She wants to see how I'm doing because she's starting to worry about me. I want to try and deal with this family stuff instead of ignoring it. I don't know how to make her understand that I'm not the same kid that she remembers in middle school. Middle school was the start of my dark years. She still remembers the little girl who would pretend to be sick for attention, and when that didn't work tried breaking her hands and feet and forced herself to have an eating disorder trying to get someone to notice her instead of her all star brother. I've moved on from that part of my life, I'm a completely different person. I'm really proud of my brother instead of jealous, and I don't do stupid things to get my parents to pay attention. Now that I'm having medical problems again, she's convinced that I'm doing it to myself. I really just don't know how to explain it. I can understand her doubts, I know that I really put her through a lot and it must have been so hard to watch her little girl do those things. But I want her to know that I'm different. I want her to know that this wasn't my fault, and that I'm scared. I keep dreaming about brain tumors and cancer. I know the chances of that are really small, but they're still chances. Anyways, I have a week to figure out how to resolve this family issue. But I'm determined to deal with it instead of run.

back to school

I love back to school season. Clean new notebooks, new books, a new pack of highlighters, everything's organized, and I have ambition to stay on top of my schoolwork. I still get those first day of school jitters, which gets to last 2 days because I have to go to my MWF classes, and then my TTh classes. I love sitting down with my planner and writing everything in it for the entire semester. I'm pretty goal oriented and driven by lists. List of goals for my last semester:
~find a job
~maintain my gpa and avoid senioritis
~consistent daily times with God before class
~don't get too busy to have some down time or a social life
~only wear athletic shorts/pants once a week to class
~talk with Clayton weekly and invite him to church

EEG

I was so bummed that I left my phone in the car when I went to get my EEG today. It would have been a great picture. Just imagine me with 30 electrode things taped all over my head, and red marker drawing all over my face. I had to have my hair down but with no product in it which makes for a fuzzy wavy mess, and no make up which is not a nice thing to do to someone who has really bad skin. Very funny when you put the crazy hair, electrodes, and marker together. What was not so funny was that I had a sleep deprived EEG, which meant I had to stay up all night with no caffeine, and then I had to fall asleep for the actual procedure. It's very hard to sleep with all those things taped on you, and someone staring at you recording every twitch. I was supposed to sleep for 30 minutes, I only actually slept for 10, but was very relaxed for the rest, and the technician said that they got really great readings so hopefully the neurologist can figure something out. The nurse felt bad for me that I was there all alone, and she tried to cheer me up by getting me a cup of coffee before I left. It was a very nice gesture, but very disgusting coffee. I took a few actual sips, pretended a few more, and went to the bathroom and dumped it out as soon as I left. But it was really nice of her, because it is hard to do this stuff alone. It's scary to hear words like tumor, aneurysm, epilepsy, and heart disease thrown around knowing that they are all slim chances, but still chances. And that I have to wait several weeks to find out. It's hard to know that your parents are sick of you having medical problems and blame you for it or think that it's your fault, you made it up, and you're exaggerating it. Thankfully I got to talk with Lauren for a while last night, she understands my family situation and will listen to me freak out and then pray with me. She'll be back in a few days, yay!

silly goal

Do you ever have goals for your life that are kind of silly but important to you? I want to read. I love to read fun easy books, but I want to read the classics too. I want to be a well read person. I love to lose myself in books, in the characters and their emotions. I've read a lot of the "classics" because my high school was big on literature. We had to take English lit, western lit, modern lit, and classic lit, and I took great narrative works this summer. I saved a lot of those books and brought them back so that in time I can re-read them and actually enjoy them instead of obsessing about the paper I need to write about it. But there are a few I want to read first. I'm making my way through the lord of the rings trilogy slowly but surely. Here's the list of things I want to read next because I haven't read them and they're on pretty much every list of books you should read before you die:

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin
Jane Eyre by Emily Bronte
Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Maybe some day this week since I have a lot of free time till school starts, I will go to my heaven on earth otherwise known as Barnes and Noble and browse for an afternoon. The trick is to leave my wallet at home and only bring my drivers license so that I don't try to buy out the store. This took several very expensive trips to learn. I'll make a good list of must reads and then become good friends with the library.

stress relief muffins

So, this is a great recipe for stress relief, or for making with kids, very little mess and all kinds of hands on fun. Only 2 ingredients: one box of carrot cake dry mix(or any other kind of cake, I just like carrot best), one can of pumpkin. That's it. Dry cake mix and pumpkin. Put both together in a gallon zip lock bag, then use your hands to kneed it all together. Kneading = adult stress relief or kid fun. Cut a hole in one of the bottom corners and squeeze it into muffin tins like it's a pastry bag. You don't dirty a single bowl! Bake at 350 for 15-18 minutes. Seriously, easiest and yummiest muffins. It tastes like thanksgiving in a delicious muffin. I only had to wash off the spoon that I used to get the pumpkin into the bag. Can't get easier than that. It does make a lot of muffins, I made 24 mini muffins and 10 regular ones.

What is it about family?

What is it about family that makes those relationships so difficult? I'm really trying. I know that I think I'm right 99% of the time, if I didn't think I was right why would I be doing or saying whatever it is. How do we see when we're right, when they're right, and when you just have to agree to disagree. I feel like I'm coming to the agree to disagree spot a lot. Any insight? I know you're supposed to respect and obey your parents, but when doesn't that hold true? Just really frustrated, rough phone call regarding what to do about the whole passing out thing.

Oh, and to update you on that, from a friend at the pool who's a nurse we deduced that I most likely had another seizure. The rug burn on my face doesn't all go in the same direction, I remember nothing, have teeth marks bitten all over my tongue, and it took me a really long time to snap out of it. No one was home so I guess we'll never really know. Regardless, it's time to get checked out.

Maya Angelou

I love Maya Angelou. By far my favorite poet, and I really want to get a book of her work. There is not a poem of hers that I haven't loved. I did a really fun project on her for 11th grade English Lit. My mom just sent me one that I haven't read yet, and I think it's funny. Some things are very true, some things are a little off, but funny all the same.

What Women Should Have

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... .. a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal,that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and when to walk away...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...

family doctor anyone?

Does anyone have a doctor here in town who they really like? I think it's time to go see a regular doctor. I passed out again today, the worst one to date. I remember standing up but other than that, nothing. When I opened my eyes I was laying on the floor crying, had rug burn all over my face, bit a hole through my tongue, and judging by the bump on my forehead hit my head on the entertainment center on the way down. Waking up crying, confused, and bleeding is not very comforting. This is the first time that I didn't remember anything, I always at least remember falling down or feeling dizzy. I'm kind of freaked out, it's not normal to do that is it? I'm just sick of having medical problems, I don't want to be the girl who always has something wrong. But seriously, I think now it warrants a trip to the doctor, I just don't have one.

bittersweet

Packing up the house is bittersweet. My room at home was already pretty much empty, but I was still able to fill 3 hefty bags of junk, a big box to go to the resale shop, and another big box for goodwill. What's left to pack? Just my trophies, yearbooks, and pictures. It feels like everything before the summer of 04 when I left for college no longer exists. It's a good thing, the years in this house were the hardest of my life and there are a lot of sad and hard memories attached that it's time to move on from. But it's still hard.

And packing with the family is hard. Put a highly emotional and controlling mom, and defiant and non-communicative brother, an easily angered dad, and me who just stays quiet and out of the way and listens to mom and dad complain about brother and brother complain about mom and dad. Add in some really hot and humid storage spaces, sister and dad who seemed to come down with hay fever overnight, and construction tasks. Serious tension. Lots of yelling, the kind of stress that makes you want to cry even though you have no part in what's going on. It's like a family of 3 who fight a lot, and then me who doesn't really fit and tries to be perfect so that everyone will be happy. I did try really hard to talk with my mom last night. I talked to her about church stuff that I'm excited about, what kind of job I want to get, friends getting married, and I even talked with her about the guy I have a crush on. Let's just say nothing was very supportive and I must have been rather boring because the tv show rerun was more important. But big progress was made, I didn't cry or get angry and disappear to my room. I stayed and waited patiently for commercials when I could talk and tried to be friends. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being wary of my family. So I'm trying, just feeling discouraged.

attitude adjustment

I'm really struggling with my attitude right now towards my living situation this year. I'm still a little hurt about the way it all got decided. I'm bummed about not getting to live with Lauren for our last semester. I'm really not thrilled to still live with my roommate who used to be one of my best friends and will soon be engaged to my ex. I'm frustrated at how the new roommate moving in/old roommate moving out process is going. I'm annoyed that people think it's ok to never clean anything ever and just wait for me to do it. As Lis reminded me at lifegroup, I have to make a conscious choice to love these people even if I don't like them very much right now. I really really strongly don't want to. I have to, I just don't want to. It's a lot easier to be mad because people aren't telling me what's going on, doing stuff that created a lot of extra work for me without asking first, and dating my ex. I need a serious attitude adjustment. Preferably now.

how many lessons can you learn in 1 day...

My head is swimming with things to think about. The kind of swimming where I keep writing things and they don't make sense so I erase them and start over with something else that still just isn't right. The two biggest things flying around are roommate issues that I've been ignoring and telling people are all better but really they're not and I just don't feel like I can take it much more, and all the kids that I want to adopt or have in my dream foster home right now and I don't want to wait until I'm married. Isn't a good single parent home better than a bad one? I just need to think, pray, cry, and be ok with the answers that I know are true but just don't like.

Mayhem!

First of all, I finished my art project from those pictures I took in Mexico a few years ago and my newly discovered life verse. Tada! Ignore the Carebear sheets that I sleep on. When I can find where I hid the picture nails it will go above my bed.

In other news, I sat down with my fall schedule today. I think I may have lost my mind. I know I always say that about my schedule. It's just that I want to do everything and I can't say no. Well, I don't want to work at the Y quite as much but I don't really have a choice. Rent and food certainly isn't free. Anyways, here's a grid of my fall schedule. I'm a nerd and the colors correspond with my weekly dry erase board calendar marker colors and my planner pen colors. Black is school, blue is church or cru, red is work, and green is crisis center. Pencil is for things that I don't know yet. Here's a picture of it. This goes from 7:30am to 9:30pm to give you some perspective. What still has to be added is running with Lauren a few times a week, a weekly 4 hr crisis center shift, hopefully still meeting with Emily every week, babysitting or hanging out with my mom friends, my online class, and doing the homework for the 19 credit hours that I am taking. There is one thing that I'm happy about schedule wise. I get so stressed out about exercising enough, and I've made so much progress this summer on that. But my schedule has exercise built right in, I teach aquacise 3 times a week, and I have ballet for sure twice a week (but hopefully 3 times a week), and Lauren and I run together a few mornings a week. That's plenty of activity and I'll be too busy to stress out about trying to do any more. But am I taking on too much?

good song

I needed some think time this afternoon, so I set off on a walk down Salisbury to the Happy Hollow trails. I was listening to Craig Aven on my Ipod. He was one of the worship guys at my old church in Cincinnati and he got a record deal in Nashville, very exciting. Anyways, I'm walking along listening to his stuff, humming this other song that we used to sing a prayer and praise.

"You said, Ask and you will receive
Whatever you need
You said, Pray and I'll hear from heaven
And I'll heal your land

You said Your glory will fill the earth
Like water the sea
You said, Lift up your eyes
The harvest is here, the kingdom is near

You said, Ask and I'll give the nations to you
O Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see
Your light, as it rises on us"
Shane and Shane

Such a great song. It was the only thing I could think about on my walk. How cool would it be to work in an orphanage in another country some day. In high school I wanted to be a missionary but it was strongly discouraged so I changed my mind. But I still think it would be really awesome to have an orphanage in another country. We'll just have to wait and see.

life verse

One of my goals for the summer was to find a life verse. Something that reflects my mission in life, what I'm all about. Sarah inadvertently found it for me during our talk about wanting to adopt every unwanted kid in the world.

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice." Proverbs 31:8-9

That's it. That reflects the heart that God's given me for orphans, abused kids, single parents, people who are being taken advantage of, etc. I found a few pictures that I have from the last time I was in Mexico. I'm going to do something with at least one of them together with this verse and make something artistic to put over my bed. I really want to go back there, I miss the kids and I want to know how they're doing....maybe next year when the RVC kids are a little older and can come along we could make a trip happen. Or maybe I'll convince the family to take another trip there together.

brain fart day

I think my brain has turned itself off today. I was so proud of myself this morning, I got up early and was out of the house dressed up for the wedding by 8:45. I went to Cafe Royal to work on reading The Lord of the Rings. (sidenote: so annoyed that my professor got me all interested in it and now I actually want to read it). I of course left my phone in the car so that I wouldn't get distracted. I got all in to my book and when I looked up at the clock it was 1:02. Heather and Calvin's wedding started at 1!!! So, I panicked, for a second thought about not going, but realized that was stupid, and got going. I walked in to the wedding at 1:19 and it was already over! I jumped in the receiving line and just pretended I was there. Then I went to put my card on the table and realized that I forgot to put the envelope on it. Dumb Mindy. Then on the way home I stopped at Payless because I have no food. I was checking out and thought it was weird that the bagboy put my diet cokes on the bottom of the cart because no one's ever done that. When I unloaded my groceries at home I realized that I had left the diet cokes on the bottom of the cart because who would think to look there! So I missed my friends wedding, forgot the envelope on their card, and left the ever precious diet cokes in the cart at the grocery store. I better pull it together before tomorrow...

save the kids

Good conversations yesterday. I hung out with Sarah for a bit, went to work, then came back to watch the kiddos for their date night. Then when Sarah and Tony got back we talked about some pretty intense stuff until it was midnight and we all realized that we had to get up early the next morning. By the time I got home, calmed down from what I got to walk in to at home, and could make my brain stop spinning around everything we talked about it was 3am. Oops.

Today all I can think about is how much I want to adopt lots of kids or have a big giant foster house. As Sarah put it yesterday, we want to save and take in all the unwanted or needy children in the whole world. As much as I appreciated Tony's suggestion of marrying a rich guy or do it as a single woman and get on Oprah so that I'll get some money, that's not realistic. It's hard to wait on your dreams. It's just not possible right now, and I have to wait. I can do what I can in my current life situation and wait for the bigger stuff. Every once in a while the patience fades and I get online and start investigating adoption agencies and the Indiana foster care system. I could apply to go through the foster parent process now, you don't have to be married yet. At one point I tried really hard to convince myself that I could have like one or two infants at a time at the apartment, I would just bunk my bed and put the crib underneath it and keep all the baby stuff in my 9x9 bedroom. My other 3 roommates would never even know they were there. I obviously lose touch with reality sometimes. I just need to be patient and let God develop my passion for saving all the lost and unwanted kids more until I'm ready.

One more week

One week left until summer semester is over. Thank goodness. I do not like my lit class, in fact I have begun to boycott it by reading books that I want to read, not the ones that are assigned. I'm still doing well in the class, every paper I write gets the comment that I am obviously engaged in the text (which I am not) so I'm getting by. I just really want to get back to my child development and family classes. And then graduate and get a job.

I'm really struggling with my schedule right now. Usually I could tell you exactly what I am doing and when 6 weeks from now. I can't even tell you what I'm doing tomorrow, I just don't know. I'm struggling to keep my work schedule straight because there is such a language barrier. Most of my kids are Asian and their parents speak very little English. And I have lots of people who want to take lessons from me, I'm building up a pretty good reputation, but there are more kids than I have lesson slots and parents just don't understand that. And lots of the aquacise classes that need new teachers have asked for me because I give a good workout. I want to make everyone happy and say yes to everything, I just can't. I want to enjoy my last semester of school. I just need to take it one day at a time until my schedule makes more sense.

good morning

Church was interesting today. Everyone who I usually sit with and talk with is out of town or their sick and their kids are sick. I felt so disoriented. There weren't kids to talk to and play with, and I just didn't know where to sit or who to talk to. It was good, stretched me out of my comfort zone. I even sat right up front in the middle instead of hiding in the back. The sermon was on Mark 10:13-16

"One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering him. When Jesus saw what was happening, he was angry with his disciples. He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them."

One of my favorite passages. Tony told some great stories about the kids in RVCkids and explained kind of what goes on back there. I love that we have church back there, I think it's really important that they get the exact same quality of stuff we do in big church, just aimed at a kids level. I got all teary hearing what the kids said to their parents about what they learned and knowing that they do understand what we're teaching them about. It was good to think about why I feel called to work with kids and why it's so important. I thought a lot about how much I've learned working with the kids. I think it's funny that I can pray no problem with the kids and I don't even think twice about it, but with adults can't do it. I don't know what that's about, other than sometimes I feel a lot more comfortable with the kids than people my own age. I know that is where I'm called to be, I just don't know what it looks like yet. I'm really battling with whether or not I want to work in a place that's not faith based because you can't really talk about Jesus with them. There are so many laws that you have to be careful of working in social services or in schools. But they need to be loved on and prayed for and have good role models in their life. I just don't know. Something I really need to pray about and since I'm a big verbal processor need to spend some time chatting this up with someone who will be really honest with me.