serious nerd behavior

We always make fun of my dad for his severe nerd behavior. I exhibited some of my own tonight. My trip home to Cincy this weekend was like a mini christmas. I got a new pillow, a bookshelf, and a set of picture frames. My teeny tiny bedroom looked like it was inhabited by a very messy 7 yr old girl. I am definaly not messy, nor am I 7. So the big pink chair and pink floor lamp had to go. As did some of the posterboard artwork that was still hanging up. My bookshelf is where the nerd behavior came in. The top 2 shelves are for books, and then a shelf for tshirts and a shelf for athletic shorts. My books are organized into categories: Bibles/Journals, Christian study, Christian easy reads, and easy reads. I decided that I needed to put labels on them. Then I decided my clear plastic organizer thing on top needed labels for its drawers of tech stuff, desk supplies, and kid toys. I also stuck labels on the binders on my school bookshelf. It makes me so happy, and you can find anything you need in my room pretty easily. And my room is finally clean!!! Everything is dusted, all the furniture got pulled away from the walls so I could vacuum behind it, clean sheets and towels, and then a good Lysol spray just in case there are any germies hanging around. I just want to show off my room to someone because it looks like a clean and hyper organized semi-grown up actually lives in it, as long as you ignore my Care bear sheets (which I will give up upon moving to my own apt.). But since no one is here, I'll have to settle for sending lots of pictures to mom.

Sidenote: If anyone can use the big pink chair, you can have it! It's nice, one of those chairs that can fold up, I just don't need it anymore. And it's too nice to just throw away, so I want to find someone who can use it.

yum yum

I love gummy worms. And gummy bears, and swedish fish, and peach rings. Sensing a theme here? I was craving all of them, so I took a trip to the den to get a big diet mountain dew, and a couple of each candy from the bins. I needed a pick me up, yummy! What a good night. I can sit and watch greys, so you think you can dance, and ace of cakes while I study for my english midterm that's tomorrow morning. Then I can go to the CC for the night and hopefully sleep for most of my shift. Tomorrow I'm driving home to go to a Reds game with the family. Gotta break it to the parents that I'm meeting with the knee surgeon, they're not a fan.

Here are some pics I liked that my mom took from our family trip last weekend. And yes, I caught the only fish, even if it was just a small bass :-)

amazing

Tonight was simply amazing. Lifetimonys were really intense, but good. And I didn't cry till I was done! Ministry time was the most Spirit filled experience I've ever had. Too good to write about because it doesn't do it justice, just ask me later and I'd love to tell you about it. I hope that I never forget a second of it. I drove home just saying over and over thank you Jesus for finally giving me freedom from my past.

Update on the knee situation, I have an appointment with the surgeon on Monday, and I'm hoping for a surgery spot on Thursday. I'm not nervous at all, I just want to do it and get it over with.

pool breakthroughs

Yesterday was a big breakthrough at work. I teach a girl Alexandria who used to be a great swimmer, she could go the whole length of the pool. Something happened with her, no one really knows what, but all of a sudden she can't swim 5 yards. I've been teaching her since November, and we really haven't gotten that far, she could swim to the flags now which isn't that much. Last week she came in and showed me how she could float on her own, do her glides, and swam about 10 yrds on her own. Yesterday we practiced some stuff and then it was time to swim, she did freestyle, backstroke, and elementary backstroke the whole length of the pool! Her mom and I were so excited! She was so proud of herself too, it was great. She's happy, I'm happy, mom is happy, everyone is happy!

Now it's time for a nap. I've been up late the past few nights and haven't been sleeping that well. Today's gonna be a long one. Meeting with emily, work, finish some quick homework, then lifegroup. I'll finally have to give my lifetimony, feeling pretty nervous about it. And I need to decide if I want to call the doctor back and schedule my appointment with the knee surgeon. My knee hurts again, the shots didn't work. In fact, I think I'm going to call today, because if I need surgery I really need to do it next week so that I won't be stuck on crutches or sitting in a chair all night at Emily's wedding in a few weeks. In fact, if they could get me in on the 5th in the afternoon that would be great. Let's hope.

impromtu sunday school lesson

I got to teach Tyler, my absolute favorite lesson today. To give you a point of reference, it's the kid who asked me to marry him and took it back, and who wanted to make sure I believed in Jesus so he could see me in heaven. Tyler and I talk about what he learned in Sunday school each week, and I know his family is very active in a church in town. Today he asked me as usual to not let go of him, but today he said "swear to God you won't drop me". I wanted to say something, but chickened out and then felt bad about it. But then he said it a second time, so we had an mini impromptu sunday school lesson on commandment #3 and not using God's name the wrong way. Trying to mix in a Bible lesson while still teaching swimming to a 7 yr old with special needs was a fun challenge. I hope he got the message. I get to teach him again Wednesday so we'll see, it'll be an opportunity to reinforce commandment 3. These are the moments I love, this is totally where my heart's at.

tv

Last night was an emotional tv night. I always watch extreme makeover: home edition on Sunday nights, and I always cry. Last night there was a little boy who brought all the money in his piggybank to help the family, and he cried because he couldn't do anything but give them some money. What a giving heart for a 7 yr old boy, I sure hope he keeps that. Usually I only cry for the family, but last night I cried because I was so moved by the little boy too.

I watch Army Wives on Sunday nights too. Last night was an emotional one, one ladies husband is MIA in Iraq, and 2 other people were held hostage by a man who was haunted by seeing a 10 yr old girl raped while he was in Iraq. I cried through the whole thing. I cried for my three friends whose husbands are in the military and have already been in Iraq and might be going back. Mostly I cried for the little girl. The story they told about what happened made me sick, especially because I know that it happens way more than we hear about. I don't think I'm cut out to work with rape survivors in the ER anymore. I think I am better at working with kids who have been sexually abused, not with helping do the rape kit and talking with the friends and family about what happened. Needless to say, I went to bed crying about little boys with big hearts, soldiers, rape, and then I missed Lauren because when I start crying like that and can't stop she would always come sit with me. I woke up with big swollen red eyes, but feeling much better. I'm learning more about where I'm gifted and how to use it.

weekend

So, the weekend was ok. Here's a rundown for ya.
Friday:
My mom told me the lake was 2 hours away, it was really 3 1/2. Anyways, Friday night was really good. We finally celebrated my birthday, and I got an Ipod with the nike attachment thing to put in my shoe so it tells me how long, fast, far, etc I've been running. I was so excited, I screamed in the restaurant. And I gave dad his fathers day present which he really liked. And that was pretty much it.
Saturday:
Woke up early, went outside and sat on the back deck to just spend some time with God. Then the family got up, ate breakfast, and got the stuff together to go out on the boat. Well, it was raining and topped out at 60 degrees. I had only packed a tshirt and pair of shorts, so I borrowed one of my moms jackets and wore a towel as a skirt to stay warm. We fished for a few hours, and I was the only one who caught anything. Dad and Clayton were not happy about that. We went back, took naps, Clayton and I fished off the dock some, ate dinner, played cards, and went to bed.
Sunday:
Woke up at 6, left at 6:30 so I could be back in time for church. Church was good, and funny because in the car on the ride back home this morning I was listening to a song and thinking about what holy really means, and that's what the sermon was on. One of those sermons though where I'm feeling alright, and then half way through I'm fighting to not burst in to tears. And I decided I need some personal time for the afternoon to process the weekend. Feeling upset about family stuff, don't really know how to handle it, just upset and need to attempt to process. If you want to chat or hear about it, ask me later.

bring on the weekend!

Thank goodness for this weekend. I'm heading out to Lake Brookeville with the family to spend the weekend playing on the lake with a boat. I am so excited. We're celebrating my birthday finally, it got pushed back with great grandma dying, Clayton's hospital stay, and the family graduations. I got my homework for the weekend just about finished so that I don't have to bring anything with me, I can just relax and have fun. Don't worry, I'm leaving early Sunday morning so I'll be back in time for church. I'm just excited to relax for a few days. Time to take a nap, shower, then leave!

rough morning

Today's been a rough day. The blisters on my heels still hurt a lot, but a friend of mine who's a dancer did hook me up with some pretty awesome blister bandaids. But still, day #2 without running. I'm hopeful for tomorrow. Since I still couldn't run I slept in again. I had the worst last night reliving some moments from my Sr. year on the swim team. I don't know why it bothered me so much, but I woke up in an awful mood that I still haven't shaken. I was actually mad in the shower about something that happened like 4 years ago. Talk about petty. My foot has been killing me the last 2 days. I have pretty bad arthritis in the joint behind my big toe from walking around with stress fractures for so long. It hasn't been bothering me too much the last few months, and I worked with a great pain management therapist who taught me some good ways to deal with the pain without meds. But the last few days it hurts so much just to move my toe or put pressure on the joint. So lots of ice and time to practice my pain management skills. And now I need to go have my TB test read, and it's just barely swollen and has a big red circle around it. My roommate who's a nursing student looked at it and said that it's like almost a positive test. I'm just nervous because I have to have it read by the health department, and they tend to be pretty unforgiving. So we'll see. I don't think it helps their confidence that when I got my test I was coughing still from when I was sick 2 weeks ago. We'll see. At least I get to meet with Emily today, that will brighten things up for me.

great night, iffy morning

Yesterday was awesome. I ran with a deer, got to hang out with Sarah for a bit, teach my favorite swim lesson, and hang out at girls night. Girls night was great, I got to hang out with some church ladies that I don't know as well, and had a great time. I was so bummed that I had to leave early, but I had so much homework to finish. Don't worry, I got most of it done. I even got to sleep before 11.

This morning was iffy. I got really bad blisters on my feet yesterday, and before I went to bed I did a good job cleaning them and putting goo on them with bandaids. I got out of bed to run, put my socks on, went to slide my foot into my shoe, and the tears started coming. I couldn't even get my foot in the shoes, much less try to run in them. So I had to suck it up and not run today, I settled for some pilates and going back to bed for a bit. I hate not being able to run, I feel all gross and lazy. But oh well. Then in both classes we watched films so I was really sleepy, and I didn't understand one of them. No worries though, this day is bound to get better, a few hours of homework, work for a bit, then lifegroup tonight is doing some work at matrix lifeline. It should be a blast.

I did decide what to do about the bridesmaid dress situation. I'm going to get it a size smaller and in a petite. Hopefully then I won't have to shorten the straps, and the torso of the dress was a little long so hopefully this fixes the problems. I'm really excited to wear it, it's so pretty!

pretty things

I got my bridesmaid dress for Lauren's wedding today! It's a little big, so I'm gonna have mom look at it to see if she can alter it for me, or if I should exchange it for a smaller size. It's gorgeous, and silky and super comfortable. It's going to have a silk sash the same color as the lighter pink to make it extra pretty. And black close toed shoes. I can't wait!

Another pretty thing, totally a gift from God this morning. I was grumpy and thinking about how ugly of a day it was with all the rain while I was running, and then.....this deer ran out from between two houses and ran next to me for probably like 100 ft, then ran into the woods on the other side. It was unreal and completely amazing. If you've ever read Captivating, Stasi talk about how God romances us through things like this. It was great, thank you Jesus!

TB test

All is patched up with my boss. To make her happy I went and got my TB test done today since we are supposed to have it done by the end of June. It was a big deal. I have had 3 since I started college, because my major requires them a lot. The trick is that I've passed out every time. I'm not afraid of needles at all, I've stuck my own IV in my arm, and my doctor lets me give myself my own shots. I don't like other people sticking me, so I have to watch closely to be sure they do it right. With TB tests, they stick it right under your skin and squirt the stuff in so it forms a bubble. It's watching the bubble form that makes me pass out. So anyways, I was hesitant to go with my recent few weeks of dizziness. But I went, and took one of the girls with me just in case. And I didn't pass out so yay me! And all is reconciled with the boss, the schedule is worked out, and life is looking a little brighter.

old testament

I have a hard time reading the Old Testament. I like to pick and choose what I read, the good stories like Genesis and Exodus, Job, Daniel, and Ruth, and of course Psalms and Proverbs. I've been reading 1, 2 Samuel lately, and remembering why I have such a hard time reading this stuff. I am so confused about how everyone kills people. Seriously, in what I read today in 2 Sam 7 like thousands and thousands of people died. Why, why is that necessary and what good did it do, and where did God fit in? I know life was different then, living under the Law, but what's with all the needless killing? At times I think it would have been awesome to live back then and see all of the huge miracles and hear God speak to you so loud and clear. But I am glad to be living in grace, miracles still happen, God still speaks, and the crazy kill everyone sprees are fewer and far between. But seriously, can anyone shed some light on the territorial killing sprees of the Old Testament? What are we supposed to take from that, what do we learn about God's character or how to do life from that? Right now all I feel is sad for all the kids whose parents died and were orphaned.

dream

I have a new dream. I am loving running, and today I feel like I made the switch from "I run" to "I'm a runner". A super hard interval set made the switch in my head. And I like being a runner. I like training, I love the feeling of pushing myself as hard as possible every day. Tomorrow is my rest day, and I'm dreading it. I don't like rest days, but I have to take them because it's good for me. I have 3 races I want to run before Christmas. Lady Distance Classic (10K) Aug 4th, Indianapolis Marathon Oct 20, and Thanksgiving Day Race (10k) Nov 22. My doable goal for the marathon is to finish under 4 hours. That's averaging around 9 minute miles, and I really do think I can do that, my slowest race was the half marathon in '05 and we averaged around 8:40 miles if I remember right. My dream goal is to finish under 3:40. Why 3:40 you ask? Because that's the qualifying time for Boston. My goal is to qualify and run Boston sometime in my life. How cool would it be to qualify in my first full marathon? I think it would be pretty darn cool. Here's a pic from the last race I ran, don't I look happy? Freezing cold because it was in November, but happy and excited.

family

Today I'm reflecting on what is family, who is my family? We discuss it in classes all the time, and usually I think that if I have to talk about what is family one more time I will quit school. But seriously, what is a family. I really do think that family is more than your blood relatives, but what makes someone part of your family and not just a good friend? Today I'm thinking that I have lots of different families. I have the family I was born in to, and I love them a lot. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, they all count. They're my family even if I haven't seen them in years. But my family is bigger than that. I consider my roommates part of my family. I depend on them for so much, I would drop anything for them, and they would drop anything for me. Who else would think to celebrate half birthdays just for a chance to show someone that you love them. And I consider the people at church part of my family. That's a new and different kind of family. I've never really known a group of people like the ones at RVC, but I love it and I love being a part of that family. So does my family really include my relatives, roommates, and church? Man that's a big family. The more the merrier though. I like being a part of lots of different families.

lesson learned part 2

I did it! I was assertive and didn't worry about pleasing people and did what I needed to do to maintain my sanity. I cut my work schedule down to 8 hours a week! I can actually resume having a life. I can read for fun, hang out with people, sleep in past 5:30am. Yay! I am really proud of myself for being assertive with my boss and the parents of my swim lesson kids. I was so nervous, but it worked out just fine. Now, I need to go read 200 more pages to finish the Odyssey and write a paper about it that's due at 10am tomorrow. Oh summer school...

lesson learned

I'm learning just how much I really am hung up on people pleasing. I am well aware that I need to cut way back on my hours at the pool to do school right now. I tried to chat with my boss, and the result was only dropping 2 hours worth of lessons instead of the 6 I needed to drop. I am the main swimming instructor, have been there longest, and am the only one with my WSI certification, and I feel bad telling them I can't work as much. They're trying to get all the new hires trained and schedules filled, and it's no secret that I'm the reliable employee. I'm trying to just be compliant and do everything so that everyone likes me, but I just can't. On my run this morning as I thought it all over, I realized that for the first time I actually don't want to do everything. I'm usually too busy because I want to do it all, but not this time. I want to have some freedom, some flexibility, somewhat of a life beyond all my commitments. I want to be able to help out friends with things because I want to show them that I love them and that they're important to me without thinking about what I'm going to have to skip today to make it work. I just want a normal balanced life! I'm reaching the breaking point really quick, I really don't know how many more days I can keep this schedule up.

tuesday tunes

"God of unending grace, I come to You on my face
I need to hear You speak to me, won't You make me new right now
God of omnipotent power, visit us in this hour
And may we leave here changed because we've met with You, God

You've been more wonderful to me than I could have ever imagined
You've shown more love than I could show in a thousand years
And although it seems at times like it all means nothing to me
You gotta know that I love You
You gotta know that I need You

God of wisdom and love, settle down from above
Give us all a taste of what Your Holy Spirit can do
Time and time again we've betrayed, but our debt's already been paid
And all that leaves me wanting is to live for you, God

When the world crashes down around me
I know You'll be there to pull me out from the rubble
When my enemy surrounds and I call on your name
You'll be there to deliver me from my troubled soul

Rescue me from all my selfish ways
and thoughts and deeds and plans
Lead me in the everlasting way
and I will follow you there"
More Wonderful by Aaron Shust

Good song. Enough said. Lots of questions, too many thoughts rolling around in my head to put them down.

panic!

Meet panic stricken Mindy. Panic Mindy drinks an obscene amount of diet coke (think twelve pack in 3 days), has trouble making sense when she speaks, and has to keep moving at all times. Here's why I've morphed into panic Mindy. Today was the first day of my summer session classes. Last summer I took 3 classes, which is a lot (equivalent to 18 hours during the regular semester). And it wasn't bad, I was pretty bored actually. My maymester class was hard and a lot of work, but doable. This summer I'm taking religion in America and great narrative works. Religion in America will be really great, the professor is good, I like the topics on the syllabus, and she gives enough extra credit for everyone to get an A pretty easily. The only homework we have is about 50 pages of reading a night, which is pretty doable for a summer class.

Great narrative works is a different story. In my childhood I was often described as a bookworm or a voracious reader. I would lock myself in the bathroom and read until my mom took my books away and gave me a 2 hour/day reading limit. Now when we go on vacation to the grandparents, the question when I return is not what did you do, but how many books did you finish. It's not uncommon for me to read a book a day when I really get in to it and have nothing else going on. The key is NOTHING ELSE GOING ON. Well, for great narrative works, we are reading 6 books, one is a classic, three are medieval, and 2 are modern. And I only really like more modern books, maybe late medieval if it's really good. Let me just tell you the pace at which we have to read to keep up. The Lord of the Rings trilogy (over 1,000 pages) will be read cover to cover in 5 days. Moby Dick will be read in 3. When we read Moby Dick in high school, it was a race to finish it in 2 weeks. I have no idea how I am going to read that much, write the 10 corresponding 5 pg. papers, work 20 hrs. week, and maintain any kind of a life. Enter panic stricken Mindy. The first thing to go will be working. I have enough in savings to cut back to 10 hrs. week and still be very ok. I'll wait and see, but I'm thinking that I'd rather cut back on work and be a little tighter with the $. I want to be able to have a social life, be able to watch the kids at church when people want me to, and have some me time. So we'll see. This week is a trial period for work, and I'll decide on Friday if I can keep it up.

fear

I used to think that fear was a good thing. It keeps you from doing things that you shouldn't do, or protecting you from bad stuff. I told someone one of my fears this week, and they made a passing comment that it probably wasn't a healthy fear to live with. It made me think a lot. Is it healthy to live with fears? I looked back to Isaiah 43: 1b-3a, one of my favorites.

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

So what is the healthy amount of fear? I still think some underlying fear is good because it keeps you safe, like being afraid of scary looking guys walking in alleys at night. But what about the silly ones? I'm realizing more and more how much I live in fear. I am afraid of so many things. Like windows, darkness, parking lots at night, getting lost, buses, being the center of attention, messing up in front of people, saying something that sounds stupid. I am sick of always being afraid. It's time to learn to live without being afraid.

will you marry me?

Yesterday afternoon a 7 yr old with Asperger's syndrome asked me to marry him. He told me that he loved me very much and he pictured a story in his head of us getting married. What exactly are you supposed to say to that? To set the stage, Tyler tells me every week that he loves me, but this is the first time he's said he wants to get married. A few minutes later he told me that he remembered that his teacher at school told him to say that he loves someone in friendship, because he can't get married to people who are that much older than he is. So he rephrased his statement to I love you in friendship. A few minutes later, he decided that he didn't want to get married. He said he thought about it again, but this time like a movie in his head, and it was gross. Tyler's a fun kid, and he's one of my absolute favorite swim lessons. I just wasn't sure if I should be insulted or not that he thought marrying me would be gross. I mean, it would be, he's 7. It was just really funny.

moms know best

Moms know the right thing, even when you don't tell them. I got my June package in the mail from mom today and it was perfect. It had two tupperware things that are sectioned off, two big bags of dried mangos and papayas (which are my favorite thing in the entire world), a new cincinnati reds hat, and the family pictures from mothers day. Let me tell you why these are all perfect.....

1. I can use the tupperware things to take a real dinner with me to work, which will take care of the not eating dinner problem
2. I am taking one of the bags of dried fruit to work and leaving it in my locker so that even on the days where I forgot or got too busy to remember to bring food, I have some there already. No more dizzy spells in the pool, it's not a good idea.
3. This morning I was running around like crazy trying to find my pink hat that I wear all the time in the summer (ie: showers become optional and my hair gets grosser). I couldn't find it, but no worries, I have a new one!
4. I was looking for some new family pictures, now I got them!

I don't know what it is about the mommy intuition, but it sure does work!

schedule meltdown

I'm still doing my usual battle with the schedule. I've made a conscious effort to cut back on crisis center stuff, and am only participating in 3 of the 8 nights of training this time around. I'm working from 3:30-6:30 monday-friday at the Y, taking classes from 8:30-11 every morning, and the rest of my time is fun stuff. Fun stuff time is quickly filled with a big time block for running and working out, and the shower that must come afterwards. Then there's homework, which isn't fun but gets fit into the "fun" time category. I definatly made a bunch of schedule snafu's in the past 2 weeks though. I don't know how it happened, but somewhere in my head I must have decided that eating dinner isn't necessary. All I know is that in the past 10 days, I've had something that resembles dinner 3 times, and it's usually a grilled cheese sandwich and veggies. All the other nights it's applesauce and a luna bar in the car on the way from the pool to wherever, and then some popcorn when I get home before I pass out in bed. Really, it wouldn't be a huge deal if I wasn't asking my body to put in an hour of running and then some pilates every morning as soon as I get up. But I am liking this busy schedule more than usual, but if I can't find time to eat dinner pretty much every single day, it's too busy. But let's face it, it's me and I will keep my schedule full no matter what. I should probably just buy more food that I can take with me and eat wherever, that seems like a simpler option.

these are a few of my favorite things...

What a great day so far. I got to sleep in since I can't run today, and I didn't even mind not running because my knee is sore from the shots. Instead I did one of the Crunch videos that I got. I choose the yoga/pilates tape and now I'm all relaxed and stretched out. My music theory class only lasted half an hour because all we had to do was play our compositions and I got to go first since my allergies are bad and the teacher felt bad for my puffy, swollen, sniffly face. Then I got to get a big diet mountain dew den pop before lunch! What a rebel huh! Got home at 11 and sat on the back porch for an hour soaking up the sun and reading the new running book that I got for my birthday. Life is good.

I'm thinking a lot about the kiddos in Mexico. I wonder what Monica is up to these days. I remember my first trip there 7 years ago when she had just been brought in. She's 13 now, so grown up! I haven't been down there for 2 years, since our family trip. And I don't feel the need to go back like I used to. It would be fun, but I don't need to go. In the past 7 years that I've been visiting them things have gotten so much better for those kids. They have much brighter futures and hope for becoming something more than a prostitute or drug dealer, which is what 95% of them went in to when they left the orphanages at 15. I miss the kids, but I know how well they're being taken care of and loved. But I like the vision of Back2Back. In my random and daydreaming mind it would be fun to start up another site in a different city. I want to change kids lives like Beth and Todd did. I just need to find out where.

racing the rain

This morning I had a race with the rain. It was awesome. I had to get up at 5:30 so I could get a full run in before I saw the doctor. So I left the house at 6 and it wasn't quite light out yet. By the time I was 3 miles out it was light but you could see a big storm rolling in. So the three miles home it was a race to make it back before it started pouring. I could see the clouds sneaking up on me, and with one mile left I could hear the rain behind me. As soon as my foot hit the first stair, it started pouring. I beat the rain! It was a great run, I felt like I was flying, and I did 8:30 miles on the way home which is pretty fast for me. It was just fun, I came inside with a huge goofy grin on my face.

Doctor's appointment went really well. They figured out what's wrong, my medial plica is irritated. There are two treatment options left that haven't been tried yet. The first is injections of steroids into the plica. Let me tell you, if you want to be in a lot of pain let the doctor jam needles way inside your knee and inject things that burn. But it feels better right now. If in 2 weeks I'm still pain free then the problem is solved. If not they can do an arthroscopic procedure that's pretty simple. So I got my shots this morning, and I have to wear a brace for a few days and take today and tomorrow completely off of any exercise. I'm just so glad they know what's wrong and that it's not a big deal.

in pain on purpose

I am in pain on purpose right now. I have another doctors appointment tomorrow morning for my knee, and last time I saw him I was symptom free after a few days of rest and a lot of Aleve and ice. After all my tests came back perfect, he wants to see me again because it still hurts. No matter how much time off I take the pain comes right back with the first step that I run. So in the past week I had to run 20 miles, which is totally normal for me. And today I ran hills which are the one thing that really really makes my knee hurt, took none of the 6 Aleve/day that I've been prescribed, and didn't ice it. I am in pain city right now. But the doctor needs to see the pain to know what's wrong and know how to fix it. I have lots of thoughts rolling around in my head about how we need to be aware of our "pain" (more emotionally or spiritually) to see problems and be able to address them. Pain isn't always bad, it's a message that something has gone wrong somewhere. The thoughts haven't solidified quite yet, but they're rolling around in there and will hopefully settle somewhere.

Sidenote: I really really miss Lauren and Karissa. I didn't realize how much I depended on them at the end of every day to say that my day was hard, frustrating, good, emotional, busy, etc. They were my hugs every night that let me know it would be ok no matter what. I miss having someone to process my thoughts with, no matter what time it is. I miss the random talks that would happen all piled up on Lauren's bed or all sitting on the floor of the bathroom. My running shoes aren't very good at helping me see two sides to every story or giving me a hug. They're just dirty, a little smelly, and wet from my afternoon run in the rain.

balancing act

I'm feeling very stuck in the middle right now, trying to balance all of the weird things that come with being me. Too bad I was always really bad at the balance beam in gym class, I fell off a lot. My mom always told me that I do things to extremes and can't ever find a middle ground. I used to get really mad when she said that, but turns out she's right.

Balancing act 1: Time
Option 1 is running around at break neck speed too busy to eat, read, or answer my phone. Option 2 is that I don't do anything at all and lay on the couch or in bed all day. I'm trying really hard to find a mix of the two, where I can go to school, work, church, crisis center, have time to run, hang out with people, and watch kids without being too stressed out and acting like a crazy person. There's two strong categories. Things I love (church, hanging out, watching kids, running) and things I really really don't like (school, work, crisis center). The majority of my time is devoted to the things I don't really enjoy, which is probably why my time feels so out of balance, I don't really like the things I'm doing.

Balancing act 2: Where do I belong
I feel like I spend a lot of time standing around between two groups of people not knowing where I fit in. I'm still in college but I don't connect very well with a lot of other college students. I tend to be slightly more responsible than the average college student and I get frustrated with people who are disrespectful. I connect much better with all the moms and families, but I'm not a mom yet, as much as I want to be. And I'm not a family either, I'm just me. So I can't sit around and talk with the moms about being married or having kids, but I don't want to sit around with the college kids talking about drinking or their boyfriends. I guess for now I'm actually really content being the one holding the babies and chasing the kids around. It would just be more fun if someone was standing there with me.

Balancing act 3: Running
I love to run. It makes me feel superhuman and like I can do anything. When I'm running body image issues are gone, my legs aren't "thick" but strong and powerful. Running keeps me sane, it's my time to pray and think through things that are too overwhelming any other time. But I'm always fighting through an injury, whether it's stress fractures, arthritis, or a mysterious knee problem. I'm so tired of running through pain. But after a day off of running I'm going crazy and I want to get back out there and hit the road as soon as I can. I can't figure out how to let injuries heal and still get the feeling that running gives me.

to be 2 again

I like 2 yr olds. 2 is a good age. Yeah, there are lots of tears, diapers and/or wet pants, and spills, but I like it. Everything is new and exciting. When you're 2 you get to have fun conversations and learn about where spiders live, dig in a sandbox to find the one ladybug who's in there, and read stories in a whisper because it's funny. And the Playdough. Who doesn't love Playdough, I swear they have better playdough toys now then when I was 2. There are fun songs to sing, you can dance around in your underpants, and you get lots and lots of hugs. I just like 2 yr olds a lot. They're pretty cool.

best birthday ever

I was wrong to think this would be another bad birthday. Turns out, it's the best birthday that I can remember. I got up and Ashley had decorated the apartment with streamers in classic birthday fashion. Then I went for a great run and got all my shopping done for Emily's shower tonight. I went to work to teach my one aquacise class, and while I was ending the class with stretching, all the lights in the pool cut off, the office door opened, and out came the aquatics staff with a big plate of cookies and a little tiny cake with a candle on it. Everyone sang happy birthday to me and I got to blow out my candle. Then I got to go to Sarah's for a while and watch the kids and just hang out for a little bit. I came home and had flowers, birthday cards, and a present from Lauren (which was the cupcake stand I've been wanting!) Then tonight I get to go to Emily's shower, which I am SO excited for. Really, it's been the best birthday ever. Family is celebrating in a few weeks when we have a family weekend at a lake house. The only thing that could make this day any better would be Lauren and Karissa actually being here to share it with me.