decision time

It's time for some decisions. My life needs to be tweaked a little, my priorities are not lining up with my activities.
Decision #1: Cut back on my hours at the Y. Hold me accountable to this one, because I'm most scared about this. I'm going to get rid of my Monday and Wednesday afternoon private lessons, which only gets rid of 4 hours a week, but its an important 4 hours. I had the whole week off because the pool is closed this week, and I actually got my homework done, exercised, slept well, ate well, and spent time hanging out with people. My plan is to go to work tomorrow and spend some time on the phone with my swim lesson parents trying to reassign them to other instructors. I currently don't have a boss since her last day was Tuesday and they haven't hired anyone else. Great time to cut back with the intention of quitting soon. Oh well, it's gotta be done.
Decision #2: This one needs to be prayed about because I just don't know. I know that I am 100% completely burned out at the Crisis Center. I've barely been volunteering there lately, and I still dread every shift. But I really believe in the cause, and I see a lot of organizational problems. I know that the board of directors has empty chairs, and I am considering resigning as a volunteer and joining the board. But I just wouldn't be me if I wasn't volunteering somewhere. Right now I don't know if I want to volunteer at CASA or Big Brothers, Big Sisters. CASA is court appointed special advocates for children who are in the system because they have been abused or neglected in some way. Big brothers, big sisters I would obviously have a little sister. I just want to really invest in some kids lives who really need it. I just need to pray some more about it.
Decision #3: This one also is going to require some more prayer time. I just don't know what job I want to pursue, and that's kind of an important one. School based case management, family life education, child care, therapy, children/family services. These people are all coming to our professional development class, so hopefully when I hear them talk I'll be able to decide.

Hindsight's always 20/20

I know I always say how much I can't wait to be done with school, but there are so many more classes that I want to take! I wish I could have taken sign language because I'll probably need it, or children and stress, guidance in early childhood, and developmental assessment. Really I just want to take those classes because I don't totally know what I want to do, and I really focused on therapy and counseling but I think I want to work with children more. I should have dropped my psych major to a minor sooner and taken those classes. Oh well. I'm still excited to graduate. And I'll learn what I need to learn for the job I end up with.

church

Church was good today. My mom and brother both came since my mom was here for the weekend to celebrate his birthday. The sermon really spoke to my mom, she was asked to lead a women's small group at her church at home, and she was really nervous about it. But she said that she feels really good about it now, and that it's probably better that she feels like she has no clue what she's doing because God's going to have to do it. Talked with lots of people after church who were really feeling something hitting home. I feel so grateful for the community that I have at RVC. I never have been a part of a healthy community before, I never fit in with my real family very much, and any group that I identified with before was usually pretty self destructive. I love that I have so many people I can call if I just need to chat, or need help with something, or want someone to celebrate with. RVC is the reason that I decided to stay in Lafayette for good after graduation, and I couldn't be happier. Yay for community, I love it.

good news!

Today is full of good news! I got my EEG (look at my brain waves) back, and the results were all normal. I think that means I can probably stop having the nightmare where I have a brain tumor and I'm bald for Lauren's wedding in January. They did my EKG (look at my heart rhythms) today, and were able to schedule my tilt table test for Monday morning, which means that by Sept 4th we should have a pretty good idea of what's going on. I had my first day back in ballet today as well, and I noticed something that I think will help the doc figure me out. Every time we did a cambre (just a back bend with your arm extended over your head) I got really dizzy, and every time I stretched one or both arms above my head I got really dizzy. Clues are good things.

Other good news.....I ran for the first time since surgery tonight! I am definitely very out of shape, but I can run! Even if it's only a little bit right now, I'm still very happy.

Just wait, the good news isn't over yet. Allie, my new roommate, is a foods and nutrition major. For one of her classes, they have to find someone to counsel. Like make them food plans, exercise programs, all that stuff. Since I have put on quite a bit of squish since I had knee surgery and my clothing choices are getting limited, I get to be her counselee. So starting in a few weeks she has to meet with me twice a week to help me make meal plans and exercise plans, and she lives with me so she'll keep me to it. I'm excited. I'm glad to have someone teach me how to eat properly now that I'm putting my food issues behind me.

last first day of school

Today was my last first day of school. It feels good, the end is definitely in sight. I really liked the classes I've had so far. I'm taking:
~individual and group intervention and therapy
~family intervention and therapy
~working with parents
~career and professional development
~working for nonprofit organizations
~business writing (online)
~ballet
Yup, 7 classes. This is the good stuff. I'm really excited for my career and professional development class. It's required for your last semester before you graduate or get an internship. Basically we meet twice a week and different people from the greater Lafayette area, or even Indy, come and tell us about their place and then beg us to work for them. The point of the class is to land a job or internship. I'm really excited because I know I want to stay here, and now I get to have lots of people from around here come and beg for me to work for them for basically no money. Good thing I really love what I'm going in to. Today I totally connected with Tony's sermon from 2 weeks ago when he talked about sometimes being ashamed or trying to hide the fact that he's a pastor. Not that I didn't connect with that before, but I had one of those moments today. We had to share in class what we eventually hope to do professionally, and I was embarrassed to say that I would love to eventually be a children's pastor some day. It's so dumb and I don't totally understand it. I've been praying for God to open my eyes to someone in my classes who really needs to experience Him. I'm pretty sure that being really ashamed that I want to be a children's pastor some day isn't the way to get there. My major is pretty split into the Christian girls and the wild party animals. The groups usually stay to themselves, but we have lots of assigned group projects in various classes this semester, so the opportunities will be there to really get to know these other girls more. Time to start praying for open eyes and an extra shot of boldness.

interesting day

Lauren is back!!!! I didn't realize how much I missed her until this morning. I have lots of people here who are so supportive of me, and I finally feel like a part of a family at RVC, but nothing replaces your best friend. I just really missed having that person who you can talk about any and everything with. I'm excited to be able to plan the wedding with her, I can't believe she'll be married in a few months! I'm just happy to have her back and get a good quality Lauren hug.

In other news, my mom is coming up next weekend. She wants to see how I'm doing because she's starting to worry about me. I want to try and deal with this family stuff instead of ignoring it. I don't know how to make her understand that I'm not the same kid that she remembers in middle school. Middle school was the start of my dark years. She still remembers the little girl who would pretend to be sick for attention, and when that didn't work tried breaking her hands and feet and forced herself to have an eating disorder trying to get someone to notice her instead of her all star brother. I've moved on from that part of my life, I'm a completely different person. I'm really proud of my brother instead of jealous, and I don't do stupid things to get my parents to pay attention. Now that I'm having medical problems again, she's convinced that I'm doing it to myself. I really just don't know how to explain it. I can understand her doubts, I know that I really put her through a lot and it must have been so hard to watch her little girl do those things. But I want her to know that I'm different. I want her to know that this wasn't my fault, and that I'm scared. I keep dreaming about brain tumors and cancer. I know the chances of that are really small, but they're still chances. Anyways, I have a week to figure out how to resolve this family issue. But I'm determined to deal with it instead of run.

back to school

I love back to school season. Clean new notebooks, new books, a new pack of highlighters, everything's organized, and I have ambition to stay on top of my schoolwork. I still get those first day of school jitters, which gets to last 2 days because I have to go to my MWF classes, and then my TTh classes. I love sitting down with my planner and writing everything in it for the entire semester. I'm pretty goal oriented and driven by lists. List of goals for my last semester:
~find a job
~maintain my gpa and avoid senioritis
~consistent daily times with God before class
~don't get too busy to have some down time or a social life
~only wear athletic shorts/pants once a week to class
~talk with Clayton weekly and invite him to church

EEG

I was so bummed that I left my phone in the car when I went to get my EEG today. It would have been a great picture. Just imagine me with 30 electrode things taped all over my head, and red marker drawing all over my face. I had to have my hair down but with no product in it which makes for a fuzzy wavy mess, and no make up which is not a nice thing to do to someone who has really bad skin. Very funny when you put the crazy hair, electrodes, and marker together. What was not so funny was that I had a sleep deprived EEG, which meant I had to stay up all night with no caffeine, and then I had to fall asleep for the actual procedure. It's very hard to sleep with all those things taped on you, and someone staring at you recording every twitch. I was supposed to sleep for 30 minutes, I only actually slept for 10, but was very relaxed for the rest, and the technician said that they got really great readings so hopefully the neurologist can figure something out. The nurse felt bad for me that I was there all alone, and she tried to cheer me up by getting me a cup of coffee before I left. It was a very nice gesture, but very disgusting coffee. I took a few actual sips, pretended a few more, and went to the bathroom and dumped it out as soon as I left. But it was really nice of her, because it is hard to do this stuff alone. It's scary to hear words like tumor, aneurysm, epilepsy, and heart disease thrown around knowing that they are all slim chances, but still chances. And that I have to wait several weeks to find out. It's hard to know that your parents are sick of you having medical problems and blame you for it or think that it's your fault, you made it up, and you're exaggerating it. Thankfully I got to talk with Lauren for a while last night, she understands my family situation and will listen to me freak out and then pray with me. She'll be back in a few days, yay!

silly goal

Do you ever have goals for your life that are kind of silly but important to you? I want to read. I love to read fun easy books, but I want to read the classics too. I want to be a well read person. I love to lose myself in books, in the characters and their emotions. I've read a lot of the "classics" because my high school was big on literature. We had to take English lit, western lit, modern lit, and classic lit, and I took great narrative works this summer. I saved a lot of those books and brought them back so that in time I can re-read them and actually enjoy them instead of obsessing about the paper I need to write about it. But there are a few I want to read first. I'm making my way through the lord of the rings trilogy slowly but surely. Here's the list of things I want to read next because I haven't read them and they're on pretty much every list of books you should read before you die:

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin
Jane Eyre by Emily Bronte
Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Maybe some day this week since I have a lot of free time till school starts, I will go to my heaven on earth otherwise known as Barnes and Noble and browse for an afternoon. The trick is to leave my wallet at home and only bring my drivers license so that I don't try to buy out the store. This took several very expensive trips to learn. I'll make a good list of must reads and then become good friends with the library.

stress relief muffins

So, this is a great recipe for stress relief, or for making with kids, very little mess and all kinds of hands on fun. Only 2 ingredients: one box of carrot cake dry mix(or any other kind of cake, I just like carrot best), one can of pumpkin. That's it. Dry cake mix and pumpkin. Put both together in a gallon zip lock bag, then use your hands to kneed it all together. Kneading = adult stress relief or kid fun. Cut a hole in one of the bottom corners and squeeze it into muffin tins like it's a pastry bag. You don't dirty a single bowl! Bake at 350 for 15-18 minutes. Seriously, easiest and yummiest muffins. It tastes like thanksgiving in a delicious muffin. I only had to wash off the spoon that I used to get the pumpkin into the bag. Can't get easier than that. It does make a lot of muffins, I made 24 mini muffins and 10 regular ones.

What is it about family?

What is it about family that makes those relationships so difficult? I'm really trying. I know that I think I'm right 99% of the time, if I didn't think I was right why would I be doing or saying whatever it is. How do we see when we're right, when they're right, and when you just have to agree to disagree. I feel like I'm coming to the agree to disagree spot a lot. Any insight? I know you're supposed to respect and obey your parents, but when doesn't that hold true? Just really frustrated, rough phone call regarding what to do about the whole passing out thing.

Oh, and to update you on that, from a friend at the pool who's a nurse we deduced that I most likely had another seizure. The rug burn on my face doesn't all go in the same direction, I remember nothing, have teeth marks bitten all over my tongue, and it took me a really long time to snap out of it. No one was home so I guess we'll never really know. Regardless, it's time to get checked out.

Maya Angelou

I love Maya Angelou. By far my favorite poet, and I really want to get a book of her work. There is not a poem of hers that I haven't loved. I did a really fun project on her for 11th grade English Lit. My mom just sent me one that I haven't read yet, and I think it's funny. Some things are very true, some things are a little off, but funny all the same.

What Women Should Have

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... .. a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal,that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and when to walk away...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...

family doctor anyone?

Does anyone have a doctor here in town who they really like? I think it's time to go see a regular doctor. I passed out again today, the worst one to date. I remember standing up but other than that, nothing. When I opened my eyes I was laying on the floor crying, had rug burn all over my face, bit a hole through my tongue, and judging by the bump on my forehead hit my head on the entertainment center on the way down. Waking up crying, confused, and bleeding is not very comforting. This is the first time that I didn't remember anything, I always at least remember falling down or feeling dizzy. I'm kind of freaked out, it's not normal to do that is it? I'm just sick of having medical problems, I don't want to be the girl who always has something wrong. But seriously, I think now it warrants a trip to the doctor, I just don't have one.

bittersweet

Packing up the house is bittersweet. My room at home was already pretty much empty, but I was still able to fill 3 hefty bags of junk, a big box to go to the resale shop, and another big box for goodwill. What's left to pack? Just my trophies, yearbooks, and pictures. It feels like everything before the summer of 04 when I left for college no longer exists. It's a good thing, the years in this house were the hardest of my life and there are a lot of sad and hard memories attached that it's time to move on from. But it's still hard.

And packing with the family is hard. Put a highly emotional and controlling mom, and defiant and non-communicative brother, an easily angered dad, and me who just stays quiet and out of the way and listens to mom and dad complain about brother and brother complain about mom and dad. Add in some really hot and humid storage spaces, sister and dad who seemed to come down with hay fever overnight, and construction tasks. Serious tension. Lots of yelling, the kind of stress that makes you want to cry even though you have no part in what's going on. It's like a family of 3 who fight a lot, and then me who doesn't really fit and tries to be perfect so that everyone will be happy. I did try really hard to talk with my mom last night. I talked to her about church stuff that I'm excited about, what kind of job I want to get, friends getting married, and I even talked with her about the guy I have a crush on. Let's just say nothing was very supportive and I must have been rather boring because the tv show rerun was more important. But big progress was made, I didn't cry or get angry and disappear to my room. I stayed and waited patiently for commercials when I could talk and tried to be friends. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being wary of my family. So I'm trying, just feeling discouraged.

attitude adjustment

I'm really struggling with my attitude right now towards my living situation this year. I'm still a little hurt about the way it all got decided. I'm bummed about not getting to live with Lauren for our last semester. I'm really not thrilled to still live with my roommate who used to be one of my best friends and will soon be engaged to my ex. I'm frustrated at how the new roommate moving in/old roommate moving out process is going. I'm annoyed that people think it's ok to never clean anything ever and just wait for me to do it. As Lis reminded me at lifegroup, I have to make a conscious choice to love these people even if I don't like them very much right now. I really really strongly don't want to. I have to, I just don't want to. It's a lot easier to be mad because people aren't telling me what's going on, doing stuff that created a lot of extra work for me without asking first, and dating my ex. I need a serious attitude adjustment. Preferably now.

how many lessons can you learn in 1 day...

My head is swimming with things to think about. The kind of swimming where I keep writing things and they don't make sense so I erase them and start over with something else that still just isn't right. The two biggest things flying around are roommate issues that I've been ignoring and telling people are all better but really they're not and I just don't feel like I can take it much more, and all the kids that I want to adopt or have in my dream foster home right now and I don't want to wait until I'm married. Isn't a good single parent home better than a bad one? I just need to think, pray, cry, and be ok with the answers that I know are true but just don't like.