mirrors

"Mirror" by Barlow Girl

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me"

This song was on the cd that Emily gave me today. Good stuff. I cried for a long time, but it was a good kind of crying. And I thought long and hard about mirrors. I wrote the verses that Emily and I are supposed to be memorizing on every mirror in my apartment with my dry erase markers. I'm feeling very reflective right now. I can't even begin to express how badly I want to take a walk around campus with a certain best friend and talk through it all. But since she's in St. Louis, I'll have to settle for a run by myself or a walk with anyone who wants to walk with me.

birthdays

I love birthdays. Last night at life group we got to celebrate 3 birthdays. Liz was last night, Sarah's today, and mine tomorrow. Birthdays are just fun! We had so much fun this year decorating the apt for everyone's birthday, doing breakfast in bed, and making a fun cake. Lauren's birthday was my favorite thing from last year. We celebrated my birthday on Dec. 1st since no one would be here in the summer. It was the post-it birthday. I woke up to an apartment covered in post it's with encouraging notes, we got breakfast in bed, and all got to open our Christmas stockings from Lauren. I'm not feeling so excited about my actual birthday, but that's ok. My half birthday was pretty awesome

frustration

My MRI on my knee was totally normal. So the good news is that everything looks fine. Bad news is that it still hurts and they can't really figure out what's wrong. So I'm back on prescription strength anti-inflamatories, keep running, ice 3 times a day, and I have to go back in a week. I'm so frustrated! I don't care what is wrong, I just want to know so we can fix it and I can keep running without feeling like my leg is going to snap in half.

oreo truffles and indoor rain

What a morning. I woke up, went for an amazing run and now my knee is killing me, but it was worth it. Cleaned the bathroom, showered, read some more of Start Here that Tony gave me. Then I decided it was time to make Oreo truffles for life group on Wed. They taste amazing, and I'm pretty happy with how they look. It would have been better if I had remembered white chocolate for the decoration, but it still looks good and I'm excited to bring them.

Then, the thunderstorm rolled in. I would have been all excited because it was just about nap time, and I love naps during thunderstorms. Except that we have 3 big leaks in our ceiling right by our sliding door that just popped up in Saturday night's thunderstorm. And leak is an understatement. Two of them are steady streams of water that fill up the buckets in 3 or 4 minutes. So I spent some quality time with a bunch of buckets that constantly needed emptying, dishtowels, and eventually a blow dryer because the arm of the couch was soaked. And of course, it's a holiday so no one is at the leasing office. Let's hope it doesn't rain anymore today even though the forecast says it will.

patience

To echo Ann's post, I'm having a day where God's really trying to teach me something. Last night I went on a run, one of the best runs I've ever had. 5 miles spent praying and just spending time with God. It went by so fast and I didn't even realize how bad my knee hurt till I got home. But the last 2 miles I was just reflecting on patience and how much I struggle with being impatient and wanting things right now. Sometimes I think I resemble some of the 2 yr old girls I love so much, because I want things my way right now and I don't want to share. I pray for patience all the time, and I want it NOW.

This morning I was in RVCkids, and the lesson was on patience. I love how kids church songs can make you think and teach you so much. People who think that you're "missing" church if you're working with the kids are just crazy. It's just learning in a different way.
Be patient, be patient
Don't be in such a hurry.
When you get impatient
You only start to worry.
Remember, remember
That God is patient to.
So think about the times
That others had to wait for you.

frozen grapes

I go on random food kicks. Anyone who's ever lived with me knows about it. There was the grilled cheese kick, peanut butter, egg whites and salsa, pickles, carrots, and lately it's frozen grapes. All I want to eat is frozen purple grapes, nothing else sounds good. Frozen green ones are too sour. I'm going through three bags of grapes a week! I guess being addicted to grapes is better than when I was addicted to peanut butter though.

I got to hang out with the Taylor's today, which was so fun! I love to spend time with families just hanging out. I was only there for four hours, but I've been so exhausted the past few days that I came home and took at 3 hour nap. That's ok though, I'm supposed to rest, and it was good to get out of the apartment and have some fun.

doctors

I spent a lot of time at doctors offices today. My sports medicine guy, Dr. Krauss (who is excellent if you ever need to see a sports med guy), the MRI place, and a regular doctor. Good news is that all the stress fractures I had last year are 100% healed and look great. Bad news is that I may have a tear in my medial meniscus, which usually requires surgery to fix. I thought it was just a good case of runners knee, but he's not so sure, so I had an MRI today and I'll get the results back in a few days. I don't even really care what is wrong, and I hope the MRI shows something so that it can be fixed and maybe I'll get a glimpse of pain free life. The irony is that a year ago today I had my cast put on. Apparently my body likes to fall apart in the month of may. Other not so good news is that I've been dizzy the past 3 days, and last night I fainted and had a short seizure, and fainted again at the doctors office when I stood up after my MRI. Turns out, I'm just really worn out and this is my body's way of telling me to rest, eat, and drink lots and lots of water. So if anyone's bored this weekend and wants to hang out and do "low key" activities, give me a call!

facing fears

Today was a day of facing fears. The first time a teacher has called on me and I honestly didn't know the answer and had to admit out loud to the class that I didn't know. Calling my sports medicine dr. to get my knees looked at, which is tomorrow morning btw. This was a big one, one that took months for me to do. I'm just so scared that it will be like last summer where I don't think anything major is wrong, but really it's something big that will never really be better. And praying out loud. This one seems silly, but if you knew the intense fear that comes over me and how hard I want to get words out but can't make my mouth open, you'd understand how big this was. It may have been one line that Sarah took 10 minutes coaxing out of me, but I did it. And my swim lesson kids faced fears today too. Marleigh swam freestyle half way across the pool by herself, Emily did her exit skills to pass to L4 even though she kept telling me she never could, and Joshua jumped in without me holding on to him. It was a day of big stuff. I'm worn out from the emotional hype and my head is full of thoughts that I really just need to hit the road with and run out. But I did 28 miles on the bike today and am way to tired to run, plus it's dark.

why I run

I had a great run this morning. 5 miles sprinting up and down hills. I was gasping for air, sweating like crazy, and my legs were burning. It was fantastic. Running makes me feel like I can conquer anything that comes my way, it makes me feel stronger than I really am. There's nothing like running until you can't think about anything besides putting one foot in front of the other, everything else melts away and it's just you and the road. I really want to run the Indy marathon at the end of October. One year ago I was in month 3 of a 6 month stay in a cast and on crutches. I remember re-learning how to wiggle my toes, crying when I took my first step without my cane, and the hours spent every day in physical therapy for so many months. It's a good feeling to "beat the odds". I want to send that picture of me crossing the finish line to that doctor who said I'd never run again and be in a wheelchair by 40. Let's just hope I make it there.

definatly monday

Let's just run through this day.....
~6am unhappily wake up because of obscenely noisy garbage truck
~6:45 roll out of bed
~7:15 teach deep water aquacise
~8:30 speed eat breakfast and shower #1
~9:20 exam
~10:30 practice piano
~11:30 run
~12:30 speed eat lunch and shower #2
~1:15 homework and projects
~3:00 teach swim lessons for 4 hours
~7:00 shower #3 and speed to crisis center training since I was supposed to be there at 7 at the latest
~7:01 while driving check voicemail and find that great grandma Noona (98) probably won't make it through the night. I didn't even know she was really that sick
~7:10 walk in to CC training dazed and just about in tears, and thankfully get sent home since I was just an extra trainer

On the bright side, I did rock my music exam, and I finally got Emily's wedding invitation. I just want to go back to yesterday, sit in the park holding beautiful babies, playing with the little kids, and chatting with friends. Yesterday was a great day. Today not so great. I need a good dose of baby/kid time or a long hug.

Jobs

Looking for a real big person job is scary. Here's the list of places I want to work in Lafayette.

~Family Services

~Community and Family Resource Center

~Women, Infants, and Children

~Lafayette Urban Ministries

~Group Homes for Children

I really really want to work at Group homes for Children or LUM. My goal for this week is to try and find any connections I can use, and on Friday send out resumes, cover letters, and applications. Which means I need to finally buy stamps and fancy paper that I've been putting off for a few months now. I am just hoping that I can find someplace that will let me start part time now and then go to full time in Dec. after graduation. I would love to finally have a job that doesn't involve me working in a bathing suit and being soaking wet for a few hours every single day. I did get some cute pictures that a mom took from a PS1 class last fall that I thought I'd share

Cupcakes

I made cupcakes today. I'm feeling very ambivalent about them. The idea I had in my head didn't translate in my frosting. I had the wrong frosting tip, and my hands were shaky. The plan was to make flowers, and you can tell they're flowers, but not the extra pretty ones I imagined. They turned out looking ok, but definitely not my best. They are yummy though, lemon cupcakes, because who doesn't like lemon in the summer. I'm bringing some to the church picnic tomorrow, slightly embarrassed because this is definitely not my best frosting job.

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In the meantime, I have five places I want to send resumes and cover letters to. I'm having a hard time with the cover letter thing, no one likes to list good things about themselves. It's just awkward and it makes me uncomfortable. Good thing mom really likes to write those things and is good at it, and every draft I write she and dad proof for me. Now it's time to buy resume paper and stamps.

one of those days

Today was one of those days. Every few months I just have one of those days where I'm so exhausted mentally and emotionally that I can't do anything. I didn't run, clean, wash dishes, cook, shower, practice piano, do homework, or read. I went to work and other than that I laid on the couch wrapped up in a blanket watching TV shows with nothing good about them and ate brownies for lunch. I let my phone ring and didn't answer it, I left IM's and emails unanswered, and basically hid for the day. I did decide that I need a vacation sometime this summer. Not just a day off from work, or a quick trip home to see the family because that is certainly not vacation. But several days off in a row from work, the crisis center, and school. I was talking with some of the other instructors at work, saying how I wanted to take a true vacation just for a few days and go somewhere with friends. But I specified single friends because as much as I love all of my married, engaged, and dating friends, it's fun to hang out with other single people once in a while and not be caught up in conversations about what did he mean by this, will these flowers go with my dress, which house should we buy, etc. But the more we talked about it, the more I was reminded that I don't have single friends. Really, my best friends are already married with kids, or getting married in the next few months. And that's totally fine with me because I love spending time with them, their husbands/fiance's, and their kids. But only one single friend, Karissa. The one person who reminds me that it's ok to be single and it's not the horrible curse that I think it is. So maybe a vacation with single friends isn't possible, but a break from both jobs and school for a few days is necessary or I have a feeling that more days like this are in the near future.

perfect moment

I was watching Raya and Brooks tonight so Tony and Sarah could go out on a date. Raya was eating her dinner and watching a sing-along movie where the little girls had pretty dresses. She was talking about how they were princesses, and I asked her who her favorite princess was, fully expecting one of the Disney princesses. I was wrong, her favorite princess is mom. I hope some day I'm that great of a mom and my kids think I'm the best princess ever.

where am I?

Meeting with Emily today was fun, convicting, and challenging all in one. I just keep thinking, where did I go, and who is this person? Some strange twisted person has taken up residence in me and kicked Mindy out. The person in my head is definatly not me. I have a sneaking suspicion that I got lost somewhere at the beginning of sophmore year when I decided I could conquer the world and do everything. I am a burn the candle at both ends kind of person, but I think my flame's finally burned itself out. I'm exhausted. I get plenty of sleep every night, it's not a sleep deprived kind of exhaustion. It's a different kind of exhaustion. Solution is currently in progress, but for now, I'm starting with not working on Sundays and in two weeks I'll be off working on Saturdays too. Maybe soon I'll have the courage to cut back a little bit at the Crisis Center. But for now, weekends off is a start. Maybe I'll find Mindy waiting for me on a weekend off....

weird day

Let's start with pool story of the day. It involves the tot docks which I think are unnecessary and slightly dangerous, but whatever. Tot docks are these big 6ft x 3ft platform things that are usually on the side by the wall for the kids to sit and wait and put their stuff on. But some instructors like to put them in the water for the younger kids so they can "touch the bottom". It gives the little kids false security, and they don't pay attention and just walk off the side so you have to pay even more attention than usual. But that's not the story. The story is that the instructor who taught before me didn't take her tot dock out, and since I teach 9-10 yr olds I needed it out. So I'm lifting it out, and of course, one of the bolts catches on my bathing suit and rips a large hole in a very awkward spot. Thankfully I had two suits on and it only ripped the top suit which was already pretty dead. Just really awkward to teach the rest of my lesson with a poorly placed hole in my suit before I had a chance to get out and take it off. But that's how things go at the pool.

My mom gave me a great CD by Aaron Shust. It's one of those Cd's where every single song speaks to you. This morning before I hopped in the shower I switched my favorite song on, and half an hour later I was still sitting there listening, thinking, and praying. It was great, except that I realized it was 9 and I needed to leave for class in 10 minutes and I was still in my sweaty running clothes, hadn't eaten yet, and wouldn't be home for about 13 hours so I needed to pack food for the day. Anyways, here's the part of that chorus that's really speaking to me.
"Search my heart, search my mind, search my soul.
Make me clean, make me new, make me whole.
All of my plans, all of my dreams, I lay them down before your feet.
All of my time, all that was mine, I now submit to your design."

Fun Pool Days

I started a bunch of new lessons today, By far my favorite kids. A fun 8 yr old Shaun, a brother and sister Anton and Nadia, and a CUTE little tiny 3 yr old boy named Shannon. All of them are SO excited about swimming and about life. They come running in with huge smiles on their faces and love being in the water even if it means swimming a lot, just as long as they get the last 5 minutes to play with the diving rings or jump in from the side. And they're so excited about life. Anton got a new little kid trampoline with SpiderMan on it, and he wanted to show me all the things he could do on it. Shannon wanted to sing songs while we did everything, so we had some rousing renditions of Old MacDonald, Twinkle Twinkle, ABC's, Itsy Bitsy Spider, and the Pancake song.

When did we lose that uninhibited excitement for everything in life? How much better would my outlook on life be if I found that kind of joy in everything I do? I think that's why I love kids so much, they feel everything so deeply and are so honest. They get so excited about things like getting the lime green diving ring, they laugh endlessly when you sing a funny song, and even when they're upset about something at least they're honest about it and don't feel the need to hide their feelings. Maybe that's why I have no problem holding a crying kid forever.......

waiting for what's next

When do we stop waiting for what's next? I remember being so excited to turn 13, to go to high school, to drive, to graduate from CHCA, now it's waiting to graduate from college (which is 214 days away in case you were wondering), waiting to get my first real job, to get married some day, to have kids. When do we get to just be content with where we're at, or do we always just want to move on to the next stage of life? When will I stop thinking that everything will be perfect as soon as...... Right now, all I can think about is how ready I am to be done with school, move in to my own apartment, and start a real job. The thought of 214 more days of classes, projects, exams, finals, working in the pool at the Y, and being teased because I like to go to bed at 10:30 and wake up at 6 makes me sick to my stomach. But I guess that's life, and hopefully it will fly by.

Yesterday was probably the first day ever at the Y where I didn't leave with a funny kid story or a good Pierre story. My kids were all as normal as kids can be, and when I wasn't teaching Pierre and I just sat and talked about why people keep quitting aquacise because there are two instructors that aren't good. One of the ladies did say that I'm the only instructor who actually looks like they should be teaching an exercise class. Totally made my day, most likely my entire week. Completely superficial, but it was definitely my motivation to drag myself out of bed early this morning to run. Lets hope the Y gives me a good story tonight.