Life reflection

I have had this one part of a song stuck in my head for 3 days. It's from Brandon Heath's "I'm not who I was". I keep singing these lyrics in my head.

"I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was."

Last night at Vision of Hope I had a really open talk with two of the girls about all that I've been through in my life and the healing that I've found in God. I think I really surprised them with some of the stuff I've done, and where I'm at now. It's had me thinking about all of the people from Cincinnati, or from my first 2 years at Purdue who I wish could see me now. I'm so glad that God heals and we don't have to be defined by our past mistakes.

Happy Salvation Birthday Me!

It's my salvation birthday! I think my family might be the only ones on the planet who celebrate such a thing. But without fail, every year on March 4, we celebrate the day that little Mindy asked Jesus to live in her heart. When I was little we even got cake, it was a very exciting day. I love that my family celebrates these days, it's something that deserves a celebration.

RVCkids and patience?

Teaching patience to 5 and 6 yr olds is always funny. Today's lesson was on God promising Abraham and Sarah a baby, and then the birth of Isaac. Ann and I both found it a difficult lesson, as there wasn't an abundance of great material on the story. In the interest of not wanting to explain reproduction or polygamy to little kids, I had to skim some of the story and chose to focus on Sarah and Abraham's patience, and how nothing is impossible with God. However, because of the events of the past week, I didn't prep my lesson well and had to come up with an activity to teach patience on the spot. My brilliant idea: play connect four with all 6 people, but turns were taken one at a time going around the circle, and no one but the teacher could talk. I spent so much time saying "It's not your turn right now so please take your chip back, isn't it hard to be patient!" Teaching five year olds patience is just funny, as they don't seem to posses that fruit of the spirit yet. I found myself getting frustrated because they weren't being patient and waiting their turn. Of course, I then realized I wasn't being patient either! I was expecting 5 yr olds to learn patience instantly. It seems that I'm always learning some kind of personal lesson while teaching the little ones, and it almost always involves patience. Maybe I should play some more connect four with 5 yr old kids.

Mom of 10?

I feel like a mom of 10 kids right now. I have 10 kids on my caseload right now, ages 1, 4, 5, 7, 10, 11, and four 16 yr old girls! Most of these kids carry some combination of the following diagnosis: fragile x syndrome, oppositional defiant disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, dissociative disorder, shaken baby syndrome, encopresis, pervasive developmental disorder, sensory integration disorder, aspergers syndrome, bipolar disorder, ADHD, and depression. I feel like a walking copy of the DSM-IV right now. Anyways, I've decided that this job essentially throws you into parenthood of 10 kids. I have to keep track of things like when the kids need new socks, when their next doctors appointments are due, who has parent teacher conferences tonight, who needs haircuts, who can go swimming, who can go to their friends house, who can participate in girl scouts, when are they big enough to be out of their booster seats, who's having nightmares, etc. Then I do the professional stuff, like think of therapeutic activities to do with my kids who are struggling, transport kids to appointments, attend important games or events, figure out what resources foster parents could use, attend numerous case conferences, consult with all the different doctors and therapists, supervise visits with biological parents, and write 10 weekly reports. I really do like this job a lot, I just feel like a mother of 10 right now. My four 16 yr old girls are really pushing limits and giving me a run for my money. I feel bad for my own teenagers someday, they won't be able to pull anything on me.

Update on Life

Well, it's been like an eternity since I've blogged. Ann pointed that out to me. So, here's an update in some kind of organized fashion.

Work:
I'm actually enjoying my job now. At first I didn't think it was a good fit, I felt ineffective, I had no supervision or formal training, and I wasn't connecting with my coworkers. Well, it really seems like a good fit for me now. There are 3 other girls in the office. Crystal does independent living, Rebecca is the foster home coordinator, and Kasey is my fellow case coordinator. I've learned to take everything that Crystal says with a grain of salt, Rebecca might seem annoyed with you but she's not, and Kasey really cares about her job even if it doesn't seem like it. I'm becoming pretty good friends with Kasey. We have spent a lot of time just talking about life and where we're at. She's not a Christian and lives a totally different lifestyle, but she totally respects me and my beliefs. God's really putting her on my heart, and I fully intend on inviting her to our lifegroup breakfast for dinner and jammies party this week. The kids are stressful, but I'm coming to love them.

Eric:
Things are still going pretty good. I've met his parents, he's met mine. The current crisis is that my parents are not at all supportive of me getting married any time soon, and are not supportive of my and Eric. It's a big learning experience in setting boundaries with my parents as an adult, and trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to met their standards and will always fail them. Lots of hurtful things have been said, a few tears cried, and I'm doing what I can to move on.

God:
I feel like I'm regressing lately. A year ago, I went through this 6 month phase where I could not pray. I stopped hearing God, and physically couldn't open my mouth to pray. I'm feeling like I'm moving back to there. I haven't been hearing from God, and I don't feel like I have anything to pray. Today I really resonated with the whole "you're not rowing the boat, you're just sailing" analogy. No wonder I'm exhausted, I've been trying to row the boat all by myself. I think a lot of it comes down to my personal time with the Lord, or the lack thereof. And my inability to be quiet.

Well, I'll try to return to the blogosphere in the near future and keep you all updated.

Top 10 Tuesdays

Top 10 signs you need a break:

10. You knit the same row of a baby blanket 6 times, and it still isn't right.
9. A long drive to a foster parents house is the best part of your day...you don't have to answer your phone because you can claim it's "not safe".
8. You actually said the sentence "The TFP called the FHC about the FCM, and the FHC told the CCC and CC about the problem". Apparently, using full words is too much of a hassle.
7. A large bag of gummi bears qualifies for lunch and dinner.
6. Scrubbing the stove top makes you burst in to inconsolable tears.
5. Your shoulders have risen to your ears and seem to be stuck there.
4. You blow through novels in 2 or 3 days, because it's easier to read than sleep.
3. Someone asks you how you're doing, and your honest answer is "I don't know".
2. Everyone's name comes out wrong, like Darlene becomes Dianne.
1. You refuse to drink a beverage that does not have caffeine.


I'm definitely feeling stressed and burned out. I can't wait to relax tonight at faux family dinner and bake biscotti.

Melodic Monday

This is my current favorite song for my winter blue mood. I am feeling very caught in the middle of life right now. I'm done with my undergrad degree, but not really in to my career and haven't decided yet if I'll be going back to get my MSW (more on that later). I'm living on my own but in a college apartment with other girls who are still in college and supported by their parents. I'm dating Eric and it's getting serious, but we're not married yet. Things with God are pretty lukewarm right now and I'm feeling not totally connected. I am starting to feel very out of control, I really want some clarity!


"Somewhere In The Middle" by Casting Crowns
Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

Perspective

I got some great perspective on my life tonight. It's been a big week of facing where I've been. Working with some of my kids and foster parents brings up old issues that I have to deal with. Also, I shared all my past junk with Eric which was really hard to do because it's obviously not something that I'm proud of. Eric, in his typical fashion, handled it perfectly. Anyways...for the real story.

Today was my first day volunteering at Vision of Hope with the girls, which I will be doing for 6-10 hours every Saturday. Right now there are only two girls there, as they have been only been open for 6 days(don't worry though, more girls are moving in next week). I really identified with one of the girls, and we were able to have a great conversation. Being able to share with her that God can give you freedom and your life back was great. We had so much in common that it was a little scary. She was glad to know that having an eating disorder for that long doesn't mean your life is over, and that conversation really gave me perspective on how far I've come in the past year. God's brought so much healing and freedom to my life that it makes me tear up when I think about it. Even though it's still hard sometimes, I know that God is good, and way stronger than anything I am coming up against.

Working World

The working world is an interesting place. I will say, it's better than school. I think that working at DCA is going to be a great experience. I have had some really great conversations with the ladies, everyone is really open and we like to talk about life and relationships and hard stuff. The transition from school to work has been pretty easy. I am feeling all jumbled up trying to re-adjust to a schedule after a few weeks of relaxing. I can't wait to have coffee with Emily tomorrow. I need to talk out a lot of things. When my head isn't so confused I'll give a more thorough update.

She's Married!

Lauren's married! It was a fabulous wedding. Some who were at the wedding might even call it "fredazzlin", the combination of fresh and dazzling. It was so smooth and not at all stressful. I got really emotional at the rehearsal dinner, but held it together the day of the wedding. My little Lauren is a wife, and hopefully living it up in St. Thomas right now. The weekend with the girls was really fun too. Kim, Misha, Emi, and I really bonded. It was the fellowship and female bond I had been starving for the past few weeks. We spent so much time just talking and digging in to each others lives on the drives to and from. Fantastic. Those friendships are "triz", another weekend word. We were even able to drive back for church today, so I could surprise Eric. It was pretty funny, he was so tired and out of it that he just stared at me for a while trying to figure out if it was really me. Very fun. We got to spend some good time together tonight just talking, which we haven't done in a while. It was like we've had a long distance relationship the past month with how much I've been gone. Now it's time to go to bed, my first official day as a full time employee of Debra Corn Agency, Inc. starts at 8am tomorrow!

And We're Back!

I finally ate some food! Like three sort of meals, if an apple or pretzels count as a meal. I was even able to go to work for 6 hours and run all kinds of errands around town. I feel fine now, I just can't eat very much. And in the morning, I'm off to St. Louis for Lauren's wedding! I can't believe my best friend will be a married woman in like 3 days. I'm hosting her personal shower tomorrow night, it should be a fun time. I will say though, I'm ready to get back to a routine. Since Thanksgiving my life's been topsy-turvy. With finals, graduation, Mexico, Christmas, stomach flu, and now the wedding. I'm ready to settle down and go back to my regular routine. I want consistency! I am really struggling with my relationship with God and in such a funk. No church or lifegroup for a month doesn't help either. I struggle with being self-motivated so much, I need some routine to keep me consistent. I'm going to enjoy this weekend for all it's worth, and then I will gladly accept the monotony of every day life.

Happy New Year

Well, at least I beat out last year's New Year's Eve lameness by a few points. Last year I worked at the Crisis Center, which is pretty lame. This year I laid on the couch with Dan, Darlene, and Eric and watched movies and sipped on some Sprite. I actually stayed up till 1:30am, which is pretty amazing for me. Now I'm laying on my own couch, sipping on some Gatorade this time. I was able to keep down 2 crackers and a few spoons of jello yesterday, so I think I might try a little chicken broth now. This stomach flu thing is no fun at all. I've lost 10 lbs in 2 days, that can't be good for you. Here's to hoping the new year brings some healthier times.

What a night...

What a not fun night. I got the stomach thing that a few people had last week, and I got it bad. I felt fine when I went to bed, and woke up an hour later with just enough time to run to the bathroom before I got sick. I then proceeded to throw up 25-30 times over the next 10 hours. I had a fever of 103.5, and every inch of my body is in serious pain. I even called my mom at 5am because I was so sick that I couldn't move and wasn't sure what to do. Thankfully, my fever started to break around 1, and I'm feeling a little bit better. I was so bummed about missing kids church though. I'll go a month without going to church or life group, which is way too long. I'm really missing the fellowship and feeling a little dry and slumpy. Hopefully I'm feeling better enough on Tuesday or Wednesday to spend some time with people before I leave for Lauren's wedding.


**Update**
I think today will go down as one of the worst days of my life. My fever that had broken is back up, and I still can't even keep down a few sips of water. Ashley (roommate who's a nurse) happened to stop in this afternoon while she was passing through town to Bloomington. She did say that if tomorrow I still can't even keep down a sip of water I should probably call the doctor. I'm so dehydrated that my vision is blurring and my arms, legs, and face are tingling. Not fun. I hate the flu.

Back Home Blues

I have the back home blues. After being away for two weeks with the family, my schedule is all messed up and my emotions and thoughts are all over the map. I've tried to explain to people that I have to stay busy and keep my schedule full because when I slow down I crash. Welcome crash. I did work out and shower today, but I'm still wearing pj's with stains on them, and laying on the couch in a dark and dirty apartment watching a marathon of one of the worst shows ever: "real housewives of orange county". I hate the back home blues that I always get after a break or extended family time. It usually takes me a few days or even a few weeks to snap back. What is it about that funk that everyone gets in after a break or too much family time?

I'm Back!

I'm back. Home sweet home. Being gone for two weeks is way too long. The past two weeks have been interesting. I'll try to sum it up and go in order.

Graduation: Well, it almost didn't happen because of the snow. Thankfully though, it still did. Everyone made it, and Lauren graduated with highest distinction. Seriously, when they had everyone stand up who had highest distinction, I got all teary because I was so proud. We got some great pictures on my mom's camera, I'll post one as soon as she sends them to me.

Cancun: Pretty good. The weather was amazing, I got to read 5 books, drink a delicious mango-tango every afternoon on the beach, and eat shrimp every day. We even took an hour and a half drive to Tulum to see the Mayan ruins. It was actually pretty neat, the guide who walked us through made everything really interesting. We got to snorkel one day too, which is usually one of my favorite things to do. This time it wasn't as great. The water was FREEZING, their weren't as many bright fish, and the guy rushed us. However, we did swim across several stingrays and a 5 ft long barracuda swam right underneath me. Family stuff was difficult. I went to bed at 8pm every night because my emotions were just running so raw. My family places so much emphasis on weight, food, and exercise. I felt like I was going out of my mind. I just tried to focus on relaxing and enjoying the weather.

Home: What a busy few days. I did so much shopping to get work clothes and found some really great deals. Yesterday, I was watching tv and getting a headache, so I took my glasses off and they broke in half! So my mom rushes me over to lens crafters so fast you'd think I was in some kind of medical emergency. My frames were discontinued, so I had to pick out new glasses. I was so bummed, I loved my glasses. I asked the lady who was helping me to find me something the exact same as what I had. We found something close, and I don't love them, but I'm hoping they'll grow on me. Lauren gets married in 7 days! I can't stop thinking about it, I'm so excited! Tonight I get to watch Raya and Brooks, and I can't wait. I missed those two so much, every time I called Sarah, Raya would ask when I was coming back.

The End

As of 9pm tonight....I'm done with college!!! My finals are done, I'm just waiting for graduation on Sunday afternoon. It's surreal. I can't fathom not having any homework do to. Oh well, I'm jumping around my apartment in celebration!!! WOOHOO!

Top 10 Tuesdays

Ann's blog got me thinking this morning on my way to work....So here are my top 10 reasons why I love working with kids.

10) Kids tell you how it is, they don't sugar coat things or beat around the bush
9) Everything can be done in games, even the serious stuff
8) There are constantly teachable moments if you're looking for them
7) Watching a kid get something they've been working hard on, like tying shoes or zipping their own coat
6) Reading books is cool, you can use all your funny voices
5) Cuddle time
4) You can put motions to any song you're sing loud and off key and it's the greatest thing ever.
3) Holding a sleeping baby has got to be the best feeling in the world
2) A good Dora band aid can save the day.
1) Most kids don't have the emotional baggage that adults have, it keeps those relationships simple and honest.

This list was a good one to make as I was sitting at the doctor's office with one of the kids on my caseload at 7:30am during finals week. Oh work. At least they got my full time position approved, so I'll be full time at the first of the year.

Addictions

Addictions. So interesting. Combined with the rest of the "more than conquerors" series, very interesting. Turns out I'm quite addicted to busyness and people pleasing. And if you ask my roommates or my best friend, I'm addicted to kids too. I think they might be right, I just don't know if I care. And slowly I'm feeling some depression creeping back in to my life. I'm just feeling sad about nothing, and really preferring to stay home alone lately. But because of the last month, I'm getting better at fessing up to my junk and letting people pray for me, even though I did try to run away from Tony last week.

I finally got the sickness that everyone else has had. Luckily, I already had a doctors apt. for tomorrow morning, so I can get some medicine quickly. I'm not very excited about my dr. apt in the morning. I might have some cysts. and they want to be extra sure I don't have any cancerous stuff growing, so I'm just nervous. I've already had so much go on in the past year, with pneumonia, knee surgery, and the seizures. Hopefully everything is fine.

knowledge

Over Thanksgiving my cousin recommended that I read "Having a Mary Hear in a Martha World" by Joanna Weaver. He even went to Barnes and Noble with me to get it. Both is fiance and I struggle a lot with feeling like we need to "do things" for Jesus, instead of letting Jesus do things through us. I had a great conversation with him about feelings so busy all the time, but I can't figure out what needs to go because everything is "good" and I'm trying to use the gifts that God gave me. Well, I've only read the first two chapters of this book, and I LOVE it. I would tell any woman I know to read it, and look at the 12 week companion study that's in the back of the book, the questions take you into scripture and are really thought provoking. This week, I actually laughed out loud reading one section.

"What is it about us women that creates such a desperate need in us to always "know", to always "understand"? We want an itinerary for our life, and when God doesn't immediately produce one, we set out to write our own. "I need to know," we tell ourselves. "No," God answers softly, "you need to trust." But like the original first lady (eve), we push aside his tender voice and head straight for the tree. Not the sacrificial tree of the cross, but the proud, towering beauty called Knowledge. Because, after all, knowledge is power, and power is what we secretly crave."

I'm embarrassed to admit I fall smack dab in the middle of that. If you only knew all the lists I have made of exactly what I'm going to do when, in what order, and how it will turn out. I want to know exactly where my life is going, and when I'm going to be there. I used to make calendars, probably monthly, planning out the next 10 years of my life. I'm learning slowly to relinquish my freakish desire to plan, and trust the one that God's got. What made me laugh about this paragraph in the book was that I know I would not have held out as long as Eve did. I hate not knowing everything, if there are things I don't know then I can be surprised or lose control. Some people call it nosy and controlling, I like to think of it as inquisitive. I would have been sprinting towards that tree, because there was something I didn't know and therefore someone else was in control of the situation. Good thing the future of the human race wasn't on my shoulders, it could have been uglier.

Work and Life = crazy

This has been a fun week at work. They let me move my office! I was in a glorified closet by all the filing cabinets, now I have an office twice that size, it has a window with cute white lace curtains, a chair that doesn't squeak and groan, business cards (I feel very grown up carrying those around), AND.....the real bonus.....an old apple computer from 1990. And the girls and I sat around the office munching on cookies and chatting about life. Oh, and I got my first paycheck, which is always fun.

Besides work, I feel like life is kicking me in the pants right now. I just feel the weight of the world. I don't like holding the fate of a child's life in my hand. I hated having to fight with my family about not being able to counsel my twin cousins and their parents because it's unethical. I got asked to lead the Women Who've Been There support group for women who've been sexually assaulted. Lauren nailed me about how if I want my relationship with Eric to go anywhere I can't just keep fitting him in. I'm really struggling with feeling so burdened with life that it's hard to keep going. I've been listening to a lot of hymns lately, and God's really been speaking to me through them. They've been bringing me a lot of peace lately, and I just think it's funny to listen to slow melodic hymns while I'm running. A real juxtapositions.