Rocks

"The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever flowing spring." Psalm 58:11

I am really enjoying finding these verses about going through a valley, whether it's a spiritual, physical, or emotional one. I want to be like a well watered garden or an ever flowing spring. I sure don't feel like one right now. To tie in a kids church lesson from a few weeks ago, I feel like I have a lot of rocks in my heart right now that are making it hard for God to plant seeds that will grow into big strong things that produce something useful. Rocks keep you from being a good garden or a stream that keeps flowing. I can feel the rocks, I just don't know what they all are. And I know that there are some real "rocks", and some things that feel like rocks but are really just a bunch of lies and guilt about having rocks in the first place. If only my awesome hand puppet Rocky could talk me through this one :-)

Lord, open up my eyes so that I can see the rocks in my heart that are keeping me from growing deeper with You. Continue to guide me through this valley with strength to go one day at a time.

Things are looking up

"But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness in you. May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, "God is great!" But as for me, I am poor and needy; please hurry to my aid, O God. You are my helper and my savior; O Lord, do not delay." Psalm 70:4-5

I had a great realization in my quiet time this morning. Even king David went through serious spiritual droughts. And he was honest with God about it. It's ok to tell God that I'm just not feeling it right now and I need his help. Thoughts that will come in the next few days as I continue to process: I have lost the sense of worship in all of the work that happens on Sundays. More to come probably tomorrow, I still need to think a bit on this one.



On another note, I made an effort counteract the last few days that have been not so good. I went to my favorite coffee shop to have my quiet time, only to find that they just posted a sign saying that they are closing Sunday for a month while they move to another location that's on the other side of campus. Bummer. But I continued my efforts. It was a beautiful day and I enjoyed the nice weather. I was strong and told Julie that I wouldn't be at the guys place for game night, that I just really needed some me time. So, cleaned the apartment up, I made a ton of homemade applesauce which I might bring to the church picnic, I made pigs in a blanket for tailgating with the family tomorrow, and I dyed my hair a chestnut brown. It's 10pm and I am ready to curl up in bed with a book, some hot apple cider, and just relax. Roommate and her boyfriend tried to make me feel like a loser for staying home alone on a Friday night, but they will not rain on my parade. I need to regroup, and it feels great.

breakdown

I am having a real breakdown the last few days, which culminated tonight in a few hours of crying and venting. I just feel like when I was a little girl and I would play with my dolls and stuffed animals and I would be sitting in the middle with a big mess all around me and I couldn't figure out how to stand up without stepping on something. I am sitting here staring at the mess that I've made of time management, my school work, my spiritual walk, guy issues, future plans, and then family which I didn't create but is still a mess in front of me. I think to take care of the time management, school, and spiritual mess I will have to make a slightly bigger mess of one of the other things. I just feel like I'm falling apart a little bit, well, a lot a bit. I know that I should be turning to God, it's really my only option. I'm just feeling so spiritually dry lately that it's hard. Hence why I'm feeling so lost.

So frustrated.

I'm having a really frustrating morning. I didn't wake up in time to read through the kids lesson one last time if I wanted to be at church early, which I did because I don't like feeling rushed. But we were rushed because some people ran pretty late this morning so we didn't have the help we needed. Then the kids were a little rambucious this morning so it was hard to teach effectively. Then I'm just a girl and have a hard time realizing when I'm letting my imagination run with things and get disappointed when I get hit with reality. So I came home to eat lunch and just calm my mind. Instead my mom calls and tells me that she just doesn't like the jobs that I'm applying for, that I'm going about it all wrong, and that I'm just going to crash and burn and these jobs are not for me. I really wanted to tell her that maybe she should just pray that I get the right job, but I was crying and pretended like someone was at the door so I could go. I just am really at this point where I just don't understand anything right now. I don't understand my own heart, my family, what I want to do with my life, anything.

personal day

Today I got to take a "personal day". It wasn't on purpose, but I think God knew I just needed a little bit of me time that I really haven't had lately. I worked at the crisis center all night, and didn't get a wink of sleep. I thought I had pink eye and the itching kept me up all night long. So, thinking I had pink eye, I called the pool first thing in the morning and said that I wouldn't be in to teach my aquacise classes or my special needs kids today. I went home, took some allergy medicine, and my eye cleared right up. I must have gotten some dust or pollen or something in my eye, and then rubbing it around in there all night made it seem like I had pink eye. Since I had already callen in sick for work, I decided I didn't need to call back and say never mind I can come in. So I took a personal day. I took a 3 hour nap, got Lauren's birthday present, and tried to do some shopping at the mall for professional clothes but only ended up with one sweater. It was just a nice relaxing day and I feel so rejuvinated. This is the first time in college that I've really had the time to have a social life, and I think I'm enjoying it a little too much. I need to set some limits for myself, like being in by 10 on week nights, and picking one night of the week where I will stay home and do homework so that I'm not scrambling every single morning to finish stuff up. I love having friends, being connected, and hanging out with people, I just need to remember that I'm still a student. And that I'm a true introvert at heart and need some me time each week to recharge. All in all, a great day, and now I'm off to see Bill play at the coffee house my friend owns.

Thank you Jesus!

I thought today was going to be not so good, turns out it was great! I have been going through some family stuff and spiritual stuff lately and needed to talk about it, so I was going to hang out with Emily, but she accidentally double booked herself. So then I was going to chat with Summer, but poor Izzie came down with a double ear infection and a sinus infection. So, I took a nice long nap instead and got all my homework finished so that I could definitely go to Kim's house for the High School Musical marathon. Best decision I have ever made. I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard, or felt so inclined to dance along with the tv to have my picture taken. Thank you Jesus for awesome girl friends who know how to have fun without having to drink or have guys around. I definitely needed to just relax and have some fun. Life's problems will still be there when I wake up in the morning, but for now I'm listening to a nice mix of Disney songs and grooving in my room because I am just not ready for this night to be done. I love good clean fun!

When does my life actually become mine?

I applied for another job today with Healthy Families. It's a really cool organization with family services and it really does sound like the perfect job for me. To visit families of kids from birth-3 yrs old and talk about child development with the parents, and answer their parenting questions. The point is that education and support prevents parents from from abusing their kids. The other job I applied for is the sexual abuse family treatment intervention program case manager at the CFRC. I called my mom to tell her about them, I am really trying to let her in to my life some, but things like this make it really hard. She doesn't think that I should work with kids who ever were, are, or could be abused. Or people with eating disorders, mental health issues, behavioral problems, preschools, in any kind of church ministry, or in any kind of case manager position for that matter. So when does my life actually become mine? I don't want to be a business person like she and my dad are. I want my mom to be happy or supportive of my career, I'm not going in to it for the money or the glory, I'm really just want to speak for the kids who don't have the ability to do it for themselves. But I need to follow my heart and the passions that God has given me, not her passion for me. I'm just feeling really discouraged because I'm really discovering and pursing my passion, but meeting so much resistance from my family. I mean, she is praying that I don't get these jobs. And she's talking to all of her friends to make sure they agree with her that I shouldn't do this. It stings that my mom is praying against my dreams.

Great night

Tonight is fantastic. Lauren and I are having a date night, since we don't live together and she is going home so much to plan the wedding and see Michael. It's our way of making sure that we're still connecting. Anyways, we had dinner which was pretty simple but yummy. Then we made some chocolate chunk brownies with vanilla frozen yogurt. We talked about her shower that was yesterday, the wedding, how we're growing up. Then we made some candied almonds. Now she's making some stationary and I'm continuing to teach myself sign language. It's just good to reconnect. I forgot that she gets me so well, and it's so fun to hang out. I just feel really loved and encouraged and happy. It's a great feeling

"reading your mail"

I had a "reading your mail" moment in lifegroup tonight. Well, I call it reading your mail when someone else tells you exactly what's going on in your heart when you haven't said a word to anyone. Well, Haley was so scared to share that she thought I might be feeling lonely, which is totally true. I'm just struggling with being at a different life stage than all of my friends and finding ways to relate to them. Anyways, I'm getting some prayer, thinking that I'm feeling so numb and I don't really want to listen to God because I'm afraid of what I might get. And Julie starts praying about something totally unrelated to loneliness, then hits the nail on the head. I have been really struggling with spending time with God lately. It usually consists of me collapsing into bed each night crying and all I can get out is help me, I have no idea what I'm doing. I have been really struggling with reading my Bible or spending any real time in prayer because I feel so overwhelmed with how wrong everything is and I don't want to keep finding things that are wrong with me. I've been really discouraged at life group the past 2 months as we are reading "naturally supernatural" because it's full of amazing stories, and our life group is full of amazing stories. Well, I have no amazing stories and I never seem to hear anything from God or have anything to say. Another what's wrong with me or I don't fit in moment. Anyways, Julie pretty much summed that up for me, which of course was good. I spent a long time talking with Lauren tonight about everything. Really, I have got to start reading my Bible again and spending time in prayer, even if I'm scared. God loves me and is full of grace, compassion and mercy. He's not waiting for me to screw things up so he can point it out. Amazing how much things get twisted up in our heads when we don't say anything about them.

Morning of realizations

I had some good and some hard realizations this morning. I went to the doctor to review my test results. Basically as of now there's no reason for why I get dizzy, pass out, have seizures, etc. So for now, we're waiting to see. Maybe it will never happen again. If it does, as long as I remember what happened I just need to call them and they'll want to see me. And if I have another one where I don't remember anything that happened I need to go to the ER. My realization from this whole thing is that I have to totally rely on God for what is going on. Right now He's definitely the only one who knows what's going on in my body and I just have to be ok with it. Not so fun realization at the doctor's this morning was that they weighed me, and I am officially the heaviest I have ever been. That wasn't fun. I also realized what I need to do with work. I need to only teach aquacise 3 days a week for an hour. I get to tell my interim boss that tomorrow. I'm pretty freaked out. But I need to stop trying to make everyone happy and do what I need to do.

patience

My mind is spinning out of control right now. I'm really struggling to be patient in several different areas of my life. I feel like I'm in some kind of holding stage where I can see everything in front of me but I just can't get there yet. It's making it hard to live day to day life and still care about things. And because I'm a silly girl, most of my thoughts are governed by emotions which are completely unreliable and change 600 times a minute. I am just so confused. What I need is to snuggle up in a blanket on the couch with a cappuccino and the wise mind of my best friend and talk this stuff out. But since neither of us have time until this weekend, now's a great time to snuggle in my bed with a diet coke and my big journal full of unlined pages with lots of space and journal all my thoughts out, shut the cover, and not look at it again for a few days.