Home sweet home

It's so good to be home again. By home I mean West Lafayette, some people think that home is where your parents live so I need to clarify. The trip went so much better than I thought it would, until this morning. Apparently if you wear your hair in a ponytail to church, you are an embarrassment to the family and it makes you ugly. Anyways, at the grandparents I had great conversations with my favorite cousins, got more sleep that I thought I would with 6 of us kids sleeping on the floor in the basement. It was great to see how God's really changed a few of their lives, and where there's some great opportunity for God to work still. One fun thing, my family surprised me with a graduation party. It was good to celebrate with them all, and my uncle who's a great public speaker gave a speech about me that was really nice.

Thanksgiving!

I am at grandma's house, and thankfully their neighbor has an unprotected wireless signal that I can pick up. 5 days without the Internet is just too much for me. Grandma's house is going better than expected, besides the fact that they got a dog since the last time I was here, and I didn't bring my inhaler, epi pen, or medicine. My nose has stopped running, my eyes aren't swollen shut any longer, but my lungs are closing up. I suspect that a trip to an urgent care clinic will be in order by the end of the day. Right now I'm gasping for air every minute or two, not a very fun experience.

I thought I'd make a list of 10 new things that I'm thankful for this year, here it goes!
1) RVC, I have a "family" better than any biological family you could imagine
2) Lifegroup
3) Graduating early
4) Found a job (debra corn agency), and have a second job waiting in the wings (vision of hope)
5) God brought some real healing from a lot of my junk
6) Karissa, my long lost soul sister
7) All the kiddos that I get to see grow up
8) Kids church, the chance to see these kids love who Jesus is
9) Got to take a real vacation last Christmas on a cruise
10) Family got through some serious medical issues no worse for the wear

sermons

Sunday's sermon was really good. I'm so excited for these next four sermons on being more than a conqueror. I'm definitely a people pleaser addict. When Tony talked about the lengths he would go to just so that people would like him, I really got thinking about the things I've done in the past few years in a vain effort to make everyone like me. It wasn't pretty, that's for sure. The last year of my life really got jumbled up though. What's the line between serving others and people pleasing? In my head it's pretty grey. Because I want to serve others to make things easier for them and bring them some joy, and a side effect is that they like me too. I haven't totally wrapped my mind around it yet, but I'm trying. I've been pushing aside dealing with the people pleasing addiction, guess it's time to face the music.

The one sermon I'm not looking forward to because I know it will nail me is the one on busyness. Definitely an area in my life that needs a close hard look. A few months ago I said that I would be home by 7pm one night a week. Well, that hasn't happened in over a month. I've gone way past the boundary of appropriate busyness. I was at Barnes and Nobles the other day and saw the study on being a Mary in a Martha world. I don't even want to look at it, I know I'm falling hard on the Martha side. To try and soothe my mind, I try and justify things with the fact that I'm still having time with God every morning before classes or work. But even that is getting shorter and shorter, and my thoughts are so cluttered with junk that it's hard to concentrate. I'm going to use the long car ride to spend some time with God, and really look at what's going on in my life. I know that things are so much better now than they were a few months ago, but the refining is never really over.

End of the Beginning

I graduate from college in 29 days. My best friend gets married in 49 days. So much is changing, especially this week. I started volunteer training for Vision of Hope, I started training for my job at Debra Corn Agency, and I had my last day at the YWCA today. I really don't do well with goodbye's after having to move so much as a kid. I try and avoid them at all costs, so I just snuck out the back door at the Y today. I'm totally ok with that.

Volunteer training for VOH. Amazing, really there aren't any other words for it. I really hope that some day in the near but not super close future a job opens up for me there. It's really challenging me to memorize scripture more. I sit in training and everyone else is like, "oh yeah, it says in Galatians....." I wish I could do that, and I want to know so much more about my God, who he is, what he's like, what he's promised us.

New job at Debra Corn Agency. Well, right now it's boring. I'm just doing my training, which on Thursday consisted of 4 hours of sitting in a quiet room all by myself reading papers and articles about the legal process these kids go through. Monday I will continue that reading for 4 or 5 more hours. Then I have to watch a bunch of videos and take a quiz on the HIPPA stuff. After that I get to start shadowing. When I left for work Thursday, I looked in the mirror at myself and laughed. I really am growing up. It was like I was staring at some other woman who looks like she's got her stuff together and knows exactly what she's doing. I sure don't have all my stuff together (and I don't think anyone ever has everything together), nor do I know what I'm doing. I'm wavering back and forth between my NANC certification, an MSW (masters in social work), or a masters in counseling. I get to see my really cool cousin over Thanksgiving, and I can't wait to talk about this with him and spend time praying about it. I'm hoping the few days away in Pennsylvania will bring some clarity, not just more family drama.

Thankfulness

I went to volunteer training for Vision of Hope today. Even if I don't agree 100% with their counseling practices, I was affirmed that this is still a place that I want to be. It was really enlightening to sit there, listening to Jocelyn (the director) talk about what these girls are going through and know that a year ago I was sitting in the exact same place a lot of those girls are. It's amazing how much God can change people. One of the practices they're going to have the girls do in morning devotions is name 15 things they are thankful for each day that haven't been repeated previously. I tried it, and it was amazing the difference it made in my outlook on the day. It took an alright day to great, and I'm going to try it every night. Here's my list for today in no specific order. I'd encourage you to try it, it's amazing how often we forget to be thankful for everything!

1. Getting the first shower this morning so the water was really hot
2. My eggs and pear for breakfast were really delicious
3. There was no line at Walgreens when I ran in for a quick errand
4. When my coffee spilled in the car it missed my khaki's and just spilled on the floor
5. I had time to run several errands before VOH training at 9am
6. I brought my favorite CD with me and had an awesome worship session in the car
7. I hit all green lights and no traffic so I was miraculously not late this morning
8. I don't have to make up my exam I missed today until Wednesday
9. VOH training reaffirmed that God really does heal people completely
10. Panel of grad school people in class offered a lot of insight
11. I had time for a long nap this afternoon
12. I woke up from my nap to the perfect sound of rain
13. I had time to eat lunch before class, which never usually happens
14. I get to watch Brooks and Raya tonight, I miss them so much after a week!
15. The weather is the perfect temperature for open windows.

Overwhelmed

I'm still feeling overwhelmed with all that God is teaching me right now. Church today really got me thinking about what I'm willing to do for others. I really got what Geno was saying about for him it's not money, but time. I'm totally the same way, my time is so tight that even giving up 10 minutes to call someone and check on them is tough. Definitely something for me to be thinking about this week.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with emotions. I guess I'm more exhausted than overwhelmed now. So much is going on in my life lately, and the emotional effort to deal with all of it without being self destructive is exhausting me. Last night I was yawning by 6:30! Eric always makes fun of me because I start yawning around 8 every night. The effort to learn how to deal with my emotions exhausts me. I think I just need to nap more.

So much learning, so little time

I had coffee with Halie this morning, always a blast. We're both feeling like God is teaching us so much, so fast. I'm re-reading one of my favorite books, Uprising: A Revolution of the Soul right now. It's one of those books that is incredibly life changing every time you read it (in case you're curious, this is my 4th read). This week I'm reading the chapter on humility, and really digging in to what the Bible says about humility. Here's a little excerpt from the book:

Humility brings us to God not out of obligation, but out of gratitude. Humility demands nothing of God nor in any way would ever consider claiming any rights or position. When we humble ourselves, we choose the place of least honor and allow God to call us to any role of servanthood He might desire. Humility begins with an emptying of ourselves so that we can receive from God all that we need for the journey.

I thought a lot about letting God put me in any role he wants, even if it's not "fun" or something I think I'm really good at. I have a lot more thoughts about that, which could take up way too much room in this blog, so if you want to know, ask.

Also, the job situation. In the end, I decided not to take the position at Vision of Hope because it would mean me leaving RVC entirely for one year. Both me and the director thought that wouldn't be good for me, there's no reason to leave a good healthy church where you're learning and connected. But I am going to volunteer there, and start working on my NANC certification, which is biblical counseling. Luckly, Faith is one of the national training centers. Hopefully in a year or so they'll need another staff person who doesn't live in the house, which could be me! God taught me a lot in the midst of all that decision making and intense angst. As soon as I finished talking with the director, I picked up my phone to call Sarah but realized she was in Florida so put it down. Then I went to call Lauren, and Emily, both of whom were busy and couldn't talk. God really taught me a lot about running straight to Him first and talking all of my thoughts out. I learned a lot about God being my shepherd and leading me. Friends are great, but I need to learn to lean on God a little more, and friends a little less.

I have a lot of stuff stirring in my heart right now. I'm excited to see where God takes it all, because you know it's going to be good!

Time for serious prayer

So, it's time to do some serious praying. I did an informational interview with Vision of Hope today for a class project. It's a residential treatment center for women 14-28 who are struggling with unwed pregnancy, drug and alcohol addiction, eating disorders, or self harm and want to voluntarily get help through a Biblical center. Well, after I finished all of my questions for my class project, and I was so interested and impressed that I asked her more questions. I was asking so many questions that were really specific comparing it to my own experience in a treatment center. To make a long story short, I ended up telling her about my own journey with an eating disorder and self harm, and she was really interested in what made me change, which was 100% God. At the end of our chat, she asked me to strongly consider applying to be one of their three live in staff residents. I have to send her my information by Wednesday morning. Of course, this has to be the week that Sarah is out of town and Lauren is too busy to chat this out with me. It's time for some serious prayer, and I need to find someone to talk this out with.

What a weekend

Sorry for not posting in so long, last week was too busy to find time to eat or sleep. Anyways, here's an update on my life.

Job:
I'm going to accept the job at the foster care and adoption agency. It's a huge leap of faith, so keep praying. They just submitted a grant proposal to get another full time position, but they won't know for about 2 months if they got it or not. Also, the agency is redoing their budget, so even if they get the grant for another full time position, they have no idea what they would be paying me. So, come January I might not have a job after all, or I might be getting a salary small enough to qualify for food stamps. But God really confirmed for me this weekend that foster care is where I'm supposed to be.

Conference:
The conference this weekend was amazing. I still have crying hangover I think. Anyways, God really messed me up this weekend, but in a good way. I realized that I've never forgiven my ex for the things that happened, and it's causing some serious issues now. Did some serious crying and got angry that Jesus forgives people who hurt or kill kids. But got some great prayer, and realized that as much as my heart breaks over this, Jesus' heart breaks even more. But Jesus still wants to forgive those people, and He loves them too.

Other stuff:
I've been getting really bad headaches this week. And for the past 2 weeks every time that I go to church, lifegroup, or at the conference, I start running a fever, get a headache, and get really dizzy. Don't totally know what that's about.