Life reflection

I have had this one part of a song stuck in my head for 3 days. It's from Brandon Heath's "I'm not who I was". I keep singing these lyrics in my head.

"I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was."

Last night at Vision of Hope I had a really open talk with two of the girls about all that I've been through in my life and the healing that I've found in God. I think I really surprised them with some of the stuff I've done, and where I'm at now. It's had me thinking about all of the people from Cincinnati, or from my first 2 years at Purdue who I wish could see me now. I'm so glad that God heals and we don't have to be defined by our past mistakes.

Happy Salvation Birthday Me!

It's my salvation birthday! I think my family might be the only ones on the planet who celebrate such a thing. But without fail, every year on March 4, we celebrate the day that little Mindy asked Jesus to live in her heart. When I was little we even got cake, it was a very exciting day. I love that my family celebrates these days, it's something that deserves a celebration.

RVCkids and patience?

Teaching patience to 5 and 6 yr olds is always funny. Today's lesson was on God promising Abraham and Sarah a baby, and then the birth of Isaac. Ann and I both found it a difficult lesson, as there wasn't an abundance of great material on the story. In the interest of not wanting to explain reproduction or polygamy to little kids, I had to skim some of the story and chose to focus on Sarah and Abraham's patience, and how nothing is impossible with God. However, because of the events of the past week, I didn't prep my lesson well and had to come up with an activity to teach patience on the spot. My brilliant idea: play connect four with all 6 people, but turns were taken one at a time going around the circle, and no one but the teacher could talk. I spent so much time saying "It's not your turn right now so please take your chip back, isn't it hard to be patient!" Teaching five year olds patience is just funny, as they don't seem to posses that fruit of the spirit yet. I found myself getting frustrated because they weren't being patient and waiting their turn. Of course, I then realized I wasn't being patient either! I was expecting 5 yr olds to learn patience instantly. It seems that I'm always learning some kind of personal lesson while teaching the little ones, and it almost always involves patience. Maybe I should play some more connect four with 5 yr old kids.

Mom of 10?

I feel like a mom of 10 kids right now. I have 10 kids on my caseload right now, ages 1, 4, 5, 7, 10, 11, and four 16 yr old girls! Most of these kids carry some combination of the following diagnosis: fragile x syndrome, oppositional defiant disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, dissociative disorder, shaken baby syndrome, encopresis, pervasive developmental disorder, sensory integration disorder, aspergers syndrome, bipolar disorder, ADHD, and depression. I feel like a walking copy of the DSM-IV right now. Anyways, I've decided that this job essentially throws you into parenthood of 10 kids. I have to keep track of things like when the kids need new socks, when their next doctors appointments are due, who has parent teacher conferences tonight, who needs haircuts, who can go swimming, who can go to their friends house, who can participate in girl scouts, when are they big enough to be out of their booster seats, who's having nightmares, etc. Then I do the professional stuff, like think of therapeutic activities to do with my kids who are struggling, transport kids to appointments, attend important games or events, figure out what resources foster parents could use, attend numerous case conferences, consult with all the different doctors and therapists, supervise visits with biological parents, and write 10 weekly reports. I really do like this job a lot, I just feel like a mother of 10 right now. My four 16 yr old girls are really pushing limits and giving me a run for my money. I feel bad for my own teenagers someday, they won't be able to pull anything on me.

Update on Life

Well, it's been like an eternity since I've blogged. Ann pointed that out to me. So, here's an update in some kind of organized fashion.

Work:
I'm actually enjoying my job now. At first I didn't think it was a good fit, I felt ineffective, I had no supervision or formal training, and I wasn't connecting with my coworkers. Well, it really seems like a good fit for me now. There are 3 other girls in the office. Crystal does independent living, Rebecca is the foster home coordinator, and Kasey is my fellow case coordinator. I've learned to take everything that Crystal says with a grain of salt, Rebecca might seem annoyed with you but she's not, and Kasey really cares about her job even if it doesn't seem like it. I'm becoming pretty good friends with Kasey. We have spent a lot of time just talking about life and where we're at. She's not a Christian and lives a totally different lifestyle, but she totally respects me and my beliefs. God's really putting her on my heart, and I fully intend on inviting her to our lifegroup breakfast for dinner and jammies party this week. The kids are stressful, but I'm coming to love them.

Eric:
Things are still going pretty good. I've met his parents, he's met mine. The current crisis is that my parents are not at all supportive of me getting married any time soon, and are not supportive of my and Eric. It's a big learning experience in setting boundaries with my parents as an adult, and trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to met their standards and will always fail them. Lots of hurtful things have been said, a few tears cried, and I'm doing what I can to move on.

God:
I feel like I'm regressing lately. A year ago, I went through this 6 month phase where I could not pray. I stopped hearing God, and physically couldn't open my mouth to pray. I'm feeling like I'm moving back to there. I haven't been hearing from God, and I don't feel like I have anything to pray. Today I really resonated with the whole "you're not rowing the boat, you're just sailing" analogy. No wonder I'm exhausted, I've been trying to row the boat all by myself. I think a lot of it comes down to my personal time with the Lord, or the lack thereof. And my inability to be quiet.

Well, I'll try to return to the blogosphere in the near future and keep you all updated.

Top 10 Tuesdays

Top 10 signs you need a break:

10. You knit the same row of a baby blanket 6 times, and it still isn't right.
9. A long drive to a foster parents house is the best part of your day...you don't have to answer your phone because you can claim it's "not safe".
8. You actually said the sentence "The TFP called the FHC about the FCM, and the FHC told the CCC and CC about the problem". Apparently, using full words is too much of a hassle.
7. A large bag of gummi bears qualifies for lunch and dinner.
6. Scrubbing the stove top makes you burst in to inconsolable tears.
5. Your shoulders have risen to your ears and seem to be stuck there.
4. You blow through novels in 2 or 3 days, because it's easier to read than sleep.
3. Someone asks you how you're doing, and your honest answer is "I don't know".
2. Everyone's name comes out wrong, like Darlene becomes Dianne.
1. You refuse to drink a beverage that does not have caffeine.


I'm definitely feeling stressed and burned out. I can't wait to relax tonight at faux family dinner and bake biscotti.

Melodic Monday

This is my current favorite song for my winter blue mood. I am feeling very caught in the middle of life right now. I'm done with my undergrad degree, but not really in to my career and haven't decided yet if I'll be going back to get my MSW (more on that later). I'm living on my own but in a college apartment with other girls who are still in college and supported by their parents. I'm dating Eric and it's getting serious, but we're not married yet. Things with God are pretty lukewarm right now and I'm feeling not totally connected. I am starting to feel very out of control, I really want some clarity!


"Somewhere In The Middle" by Casting Crowns
Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

Perspective

I got some great perspective on my life tonight. It's been a big week of facing where I've been. Working with some of my kids and foster parents brings up old issues that I have to deal with. Also, I shared all my past junk with Eric which was really hard to do because it's obviously not something that I'm proud of. Eric, in his typical fashion, handled it perfectly. Anyways...for the real story.

Today was my first day volunteering at Vision of Hope with the girls, which I will be doing for 6-10 hours every Saturday. Right now there are only two girls there, as they have been only been open for 6 days(don't worry though, more girls are moving in next week). I really identified with one of the girls, and we were able to have a great conversation. Being able to share with her that God can give you freedom and your life back was great. We had so much in common that it was a little scary. She was glad to know that having an eating disorder for that long doesn't mean your life is over, and that conversation really gave me perspective on how far I've come in the past year. God's brought so much healing and freedom to my life that it makes me tear up when I think about it. Even though it's still hard sometimes, I know that God is good, and way stronger than anything I am coming up against.

Working World

The working world is an interesting place. I will say, it's better than school. I think that working at DCA is going to be a great experience. I have had some really great conversations with the ladies, everyone is really open and we like to talk about life and relationships and hard stuff. The transition from school to work has been pretty easy. I am feeling all jumbled up trying to re-adjust to a schedule after a few weeks of relaxing. I can't wait to have coffee with Emily tomorrow. I need to talk out a lot of things. When my head isn't so confused I'll give a more thorough update.

She's Married!

Lauren's married! It was a fabulous wedding. Some who were at the wedding might even call it "fredazzlin", the combination of fresh and dazzling. It was so smooth and not at all stressful. I got really emotional at the rehearsal dinner, but held it together the day of the wedding. My little Lauren is a wife, and hopefully living it up in St. Thomas right now. The weekend with the girls was really fun too. Kim, Misha, Emi, and I really bonded. It was the fellowship and female bond I had been starving for the past few weeks. We spent so much time just talking and digging in to each others lives on the drives to and from. Fantastic. Those friendships are "triz", another weekend word. We were even able to drive back for church today, so I could surprise Eric. It was pretty funny, he was so tired and out of it that he just stared at me for a while trying to figure out if it was really me. Very fun. We got to spend some good time together tonight just talking, which we haven't done in a while. It was like we've had a long distance relationship the past month with how much I've been gone. Now it's time to go to bed, my first official day as a full time employee of Debra Corn Agency, Inc. starts at 8am tomorrow!

And We're Back!

I finally ate some food! Like three sort of meals, if an apple or pretzels count as a meal. I was even able to go to work for 6 hours and run all kinds of errands around town. I feel fine now, I just can't eat very much. And in the morning, I'm off to St. Louis for Lauren's wedding! I can't believe my best friend will be a married woman in like 3 days. I'm hosting her personal shower tomorrow night, it should be a fun time. I will say though, I'm ready to get back to a routine. Since Thanksgiving my life's been topsy-turvy. With finals, graduation, Mexico, Christmas, stomach flu, and now the wedding. I'm ready to settle down and go back to my regular routine. I want consistency! I am really struggling with my relationship with God and in such a funk. No church or lifegroup for a month doesn't help either. I struggle with being self-motivated so much, I need some routine to keep me consistent. I'm going to enjoy this weekend for all it's worth, and then I will gladly accept the monotony of every day life.

Happy New Year

Well, at least I beat out last year's New Year's Eve lameness by a few points. Last year I worked at the Crisis Center, which is pretty lame. This year I laid on the couch with Dan, Darlene, and Eric and watched movies and sipped on some Sprite. I actually stayed up till 1:30am, which is pretty amazing for me. Now I'm laying on my own couch, sipping on some Gatorade this time. I was able to keep down 2 crackers and a few spoons of jello yesterday, so I think I might try a little chicken broth now. This stomach flu thing is no fun at all. I've lost 10 lbs in 2 days, that can't be good for you. Here's to hoping the new year brings some healthier times.