schedule meltdown

I'm still doing my usual battle with the schedule. I've made a conscious effort to cut back on crisis center stuff, and am only participating in 3 of the 8 nights of training this time around. I'm working from 3:30-6:30 monday-friday at the Y, taking classes from 8:30-11 every morning, and the rest of my time is fun stuff. Fun stuff time is quickly filled with a big time block for running and working out, and the shower that must come afterwards. Then there's homework, which isn't fun but gets fit into the "fun" time category. I definatly made a bunch of schedule snafu's in the past 2 weeks though. I don't know how it happened, but somewhere in my head I must have decided that eating dinner isn't necessary. All I know is that in the past 10 days, I've had something that resembles dinner 3 times, and it's usually a grilled cheese sandwich and veggies. All the other nights it's applesauce and a luna bar in the car on the way from the pool to wherever, and then some popcorn when I get home before I pass out in bed. Really, it wouldn't be a huge deal if I wasn't asking my body to put in an hour of running and then some pilates every morning as soon as I get up. But I am liking this busy schedule more than usual, but if I can't find time to eat dinner pretty much every single day, it's too busy. But let's face it, it's me and I will keep my schedule full no matter what. I should probably just buy more food that I can take with me and eat wherever, that seems like a simpler option.

these are a few of my favorite things...

What a great day so far. I got to sleep in since I can't run today, and I didn't even mind not running because my knee is sore from the shots. Instead I did one of the Crunch videos that I got. I choose the yoga/pilates tape and now I'm all relaxed and stretched out. My music theory class only lasted half an hour because all we had to do was play our compositions and I got to go first since my allergies are bad and the teacher felt bad for my puffy, swollen, sniffly face. Then I got to get a big diet mountain dew den pop before lunch! What a rebel huh! Got home at 11 and sat on the back porch for an hour soaking up the sun and reading the new running book that I got for my birthday. Life is good.

I'm thinking a lot about the kiddos in Mexico. I wonder what Monica is up to these days. I remember my first trip there 7 years ago when she had just been brought in. She's 13 now, so grown up! I haven't been down there for 2 years, since our family trip. And I don't feel the need to go back like I used to. It would be fun, but I don't need to go. In the past 7 years that I've been visiting them things have gotten so much better for those kids. They have much brighter futures and hope for becoming something more than a prostitute or drug dealer, which is what 95% of them went in to when they left the orphanages at 15. I miss the kids, but I know how well they're being taken care of and loved. But I like the vision of Back2Back. In my random and daydreaming mind it would be fun to start up another site in a different city. I want to change kids lives like Beth and Todd did. I just need to find out where.

racing the rain

This morning I had a race with the rain. It was awesome. I had to get up at 5:30 so I could get a full run in before I saw the doctor. So I left the house at 6 and it wasn't quite light out yet. By the time I was 3 miles out it was light but you could see a big storm rolling in. So the three miles home it was a race to make it back before it started pouring. I could see the clouds sneaking up on me, and with one mile left I could hear the rain behind me. As soon as my foot hit the first stair, it started pouring. I beat the rain! It was a great run, I felt like I was flying, and I did 8:30 miles on the way home which is pretty fast for me. It was just fun, I came inside with a huge goofy grin on my face.

Doctor's appointment went really well. They figured out what's wrong, my medial plica is irritated. There are two treatment options left that haven't been tried yet. The first is injections of steroids into the plica. Let me tell you, if you want to be in a lot of pain let the doctor jam needles way inside your knee and inject things that burn. But it feels better right now. If in 2 weeks I'm still pain free then the problem is solved. If not they can do an arthroscopic procedure that's pretty simple. So I got my shots this morning, and I have to wear a brace for a few days and take today and tomorrow completely off of any exercise. I'm just so glad they know what's wrong and that it's not a big deal.

in pain on purpose

I am in pain on purpose right now. I have another doctors appointment tomorrow morning for my knee, and last time I saw him I was symptom free after a few days of rest and a lot of Aleve and ice. After all my tests came back perfect, he wants to see me again because it still hurts. No matter how much time off I take the pain comes right back with the first step that I run. So in the past week I had to run 20 miles, which is totally normal for me. And today I ran hills which are the one thing that really really makes my knee hurt, took none of the 6 Aleve/day that I've been prescribed, and didn't ice it. I am in pain city right now. But the doctor needs to see the pain to know what's wrong and know how to fix it. I have lots of thoughts rolling around in my head about how we need to be aware of our "pain" (more emotionally or spiritually) to see problems and be able to address them. Pain isn't always bad, it's a message that something has gone wrong somewhere. The thoughts haven't solidified quite yet, but they're rolling around in there and will hopefully settle somewhere.

Sidenote: I really really miss Lauren and Karissa. I didn't realize how much I depended on them at the end of every day to say that my day was hard, frustrating, good, emotional, busy, etc. They were my hugs every night that let me know it would be ok no matter what. I miss having someone to process my thoughts with, no matter what time it is. I miss the random talks that would happen all piled up on Lauren's bed or all sitting on the floor of the bathroom. My running shoes aren't very good at helping me see two sides to every story or giving me a hug. They're just dirty, a little smelly, and wet from my afternoon run in the rain.

balancing act

I'm feeling very stuck in the middle right now, trying to balance all of the weird things that come with being me. Too bad I was always really bad at the balance beam in gym class, I fell off a lot. My mom always told me that I do things to extremes and can't ever find a middle ground. I used to get really mad when she said that, but turns out she's right.

Balancing act 1: Time
Option 1 is running around at break neck speed too busy to eat, read, or answer my phone. Option 2 is that I don't do anything at all and lay on the couch or in bed all day. I'm trying really hard to find a mix of the two, where I can go to school, work, church, crisis center, have time to run, hang out with people, and watch kids without being too stressed out and acting like a crazy person. There's two strong categories. Things I love (church, hanging out, watching kids, running) and things I really really don't like (school, work, crisis center). The majority of my time is devoted to the things I don't really enjoy, which is probably why my time feels so out of balance, I don't really like the things I'm doing.

Balancing act 2: Where do I belong
I feel like I spend a lot of time standing around between two groups of people not knowing where I fit in. I'm still in college but I don't connect very well with a lot of other college students. I tend to be slightly more responsible than the average college student and I get frustrated with people who are disrespectful. I connect much better with all the moms and families, but I'm not a mom yet, as much as I want to be. And I'm not a family either, I'm just me. So I can't sit around and talk with the moms about being married or having kids, but I don't want to sit around with the college kids talking about drinking or their boyfriends. I guess for now I'm actually really content being the one holding the babies and chasing the kids around. It would just be more fun if someone was standing there with me.

Balancing act 3: Running
I love to run. It makes me feel superhuman and like I can do anything. When I'm running body image issues are gone, my legs aren't "thick" but strong and powerful. Running keeps me sane, it's my time to pray and think through things that are too overwhelming any other time. But I'm always fighting through an injury, whether it's stress fractures, arthritis, or a mysterious knee problem. I'm so tired of running through pain. But after a day off of running I'm going crazy and I want to get back out there and hit the road as soon as I can. I can't figure out how to let injuries heal and still get the feeling that running gives me.

to be 2 again

I like 2 yr olds. 2 is a good age. Yeah, there are lots of tears, diapers and/or wet pants, and spills, but I like it. Everything is new and exciting. When you're 2 you get to have fun conversations and learn about where spiders live, dig in a sandbox to find the one ladybug who's in there, and read stories in a whisper because it's funny. And the Playdough. Who doesn't love Playdough, I swear they have better playdough toys now then when I was 2. There are fun songs to sing, you can dance around in your underpants, and you get lots and lots of hugs. I just like 2 yr olds a lot. They're pretty cool.

best birthday ever

I was wrong to think this would be another bad birthday. Turns out, it's the best birthday that I can remember. I got up and Ashley had decorated the apartment with streamers in classic birthday fashion. Then I went for a great run and got all my shopping done for Emily's shower tonight. I went to work to teach my one aquacise class, and while I was ending the class with stretching, all the lights in the pool cut off, the office door opened, and out came the aquatics staff with a big plate of cookies and a little tiny cake with a candle on it. Everyone sang happy birthday to me and I got to blow out my candle. Then I got to go to Sarah's for a while and watch the kids and just hang out for a little bit. I came home and had flowers, birthday cards, and a present from Lauren (which was the cupcake stand I've been wanting!) Then tonight I get to go to Emily's shower, which I am SO excited for. Really, it's been the best birthday ever. Family is celebrating in a few weeks when we have a family weekend at a lake house. The only thing that could make this day any better would be Lauren and Karissa actually being here to share it with me.