lesson learned part 2

I did it! I was assertive and didn't worry about pleasing people and did what I needed to do to maintain my sanity. I cut my work schedule down to 8 hours a week! I can actually resume having a life. I can read for fun, hang out with people, sleep in past 5:30am. Yay! I am really proud of myself for being assertive with my boss and the parents of my swim lesson kids. I was so nervous, but it worked out just fine. Now, I need to go read 200 more pages to finish the Odyssey and write a paper about it that's due at 10am tomorrow. Oh summer school...

lesson learned

I'm learning just how much I really am hung up on people pleasing. I am well aware that I need to cut way back on my hours at the pool to do school right now. I tried to chat with my boss, and the result was only dropping 2 hours worth of lessons instead of the 6 I needed to drop. I am the main swimming instructor, have been there longest, and am the only one with my WSI certification, and I feel bad telling them I can't work as much. They're trying to get all the new hires trained and schedules filled, and it's no secret that I'm the reliable employee. I'm trying to just be compliant and do everything so that everyone likes me, but I just can't. On my run this morning as I thought it all over, I realized that for the first time I actually don't want to do everything. I'm usually too busy because I want to do it all, but not this time. I want to have some freedom, some flexibility, somewhat of a life beyond all my commitments. I want to be able to help out friends with things because I want to show them that I love them and that they're important to me without thinking about what I'm going to have to skip today to make it work. I just want a normal balanced life! I'm reaching the breaking point really quick, I really don't know how many more days I can keep this schedule up.

tuesday tunes

"God of unending grace, I come to You on my face
I need to hear You speak to me, won't You make me new right now
God of omnipotent power, visit us in this hour
And may we leave here changed because we've met with You, God

You've been more wonderful to me than I could have ever imagined
You've shown more love than I could show in a thousand years
And although it seems at times like it all means nothing to me
You gotta know that I love You
You gotta know that I need You

God of wisdom and love, settle down from above
Give us all a taste of what Your Holy Spirit can do
Time and time again we've betrayed, but our debt's already been paid
And all that leaves me wanting is to live for you, God

When the world crashes down around me
I know You'll be there to pull me out from the rubble
When my enemy surrounds and I call on your name
You'll be there to deliver me from my troubled soul

Rescue me from all my selfish ways
and thoughts and deeds and plans
Lead me in the everlasting way
and I will follow you there"
More Wonderful by Aaron Shust

Good song. Enough said. Lots of questions, too many thoughts rolling around in my head to put them down.

panic!

Meet panic stricken Mindy. Panic Mindy drinks an obscene amount of diet coke (think twelve pack in 3 days), has trouble making sense when she speaks, and has to keep moving at all times. Here's why I've morphed into panic Mindy. Today was the first day of my summer session classes. Last summer I took 3 classes, which is a lot (equivalent to 18 hours during the regular semester). And it wasn't bad, I was pretty bored actually. My maymester class was hard and a lot of work, but doable. This summer I'm taking religion in America and great narrative works. Religion in America will be really great, the professor is good, I like the topics on the syllabus, and she gives enough extra credit for everyone to get an A pretty easily. The only homework we have is about 50 pages of reading a night, which is pretty doable for a summer class.

Great narrative works is a different story. In my childhood I was often described as a bookworm or a voracious reader. I would lock myself in the bathroom and read until my mom took my books away and gave me a 2 hour/day reading limit. Now when we go on vacation to the grandparents, the question when I return is not what did you do, but how many books did you finish. It's not uncommon for me to read a book a day when I really get in to it and have nothing else going on. The key is NOTHING ELSE GOING ON. Well, for great narrative works, we are reading 6 books, one is a classic, three are medieval, and 2 are modern. And I only really like more modern books, maybe late medieval if it's really good. Let me just tell you the pace at which we have to read to keep up. The Lord of the Rings trilogy (over 1,000 pages) will be read cover to cover in 5 days. Moby Dick will be read in 3. When we read Moby Dick in high school, it was a race to finish it in 2 weeks. I have no idea how I am going to read that much, write the 10 corresponding 5 pg. papers, work 20 hrs. week, and maintain any kind of a life. Enter panic stricken Mindy. The first thing to go will be working. I have enough in savings to cut back to 10 hrs. week and still be very ok. I'll wait and see, but I'm thinking that I'd rather cut back on work and be a little tighter with the $. I want to be able to have a social life, be able to watch the kids at church when people want me to, and have some me time. So we'll see. This week is a trial period for work, and I'll decide on Friday if I can keep it up.

fear

I used to think that fear was a good thing. It keeps you from doing things that you shouldn't do, or protecting you from bad stuff. I told someone one of my fears this week, and they made a passing comment that it probably wasn't a healthy fear to live with. It made me think a lot. Is it healthy to live with fears? I looked back to Isaiah 43: 1b-3a, one of my favorites.

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

So what is the healthy amount of fear? I still think some underlying fear is good because it keeps you safe, like being afraid of scary looking guys walking in alleys at night. But what about the silly ones? I'm realizing more and more how much I live in fear. I am afraid of so many things. Like windows, darkness, parking lots at night, getting lost, buses, being the center of attention, messing up in front of people, saying something that sounds stupid. I am sick of always being afraid. It's time to learn to live without being afraid.

will you marry me?

Yesterday afternoon a 7 yr old with Asperger's syndrome asked me to marry him. He told me that he loved me very much and he pictured a story in his head of us getting married. What exactly are you supposed to say to that? To set the stage, Tyler tells me every week that he loves me, but this is the first time he's said he wants to get married. A few minutes later he told me that he remembered that his teacher at school told him to say that he loves someone in friendship, because he can't get married to people who are that much older than he is. So he rephrased his statement to I love you in friendship. A few minutes later, he decided that he didn't want to get married. He said he thought about it again, but this time like a movie in his head, and it was gross. Tyler's a fun kid, and he's one of my absolute favorite swim lessons. I just wasn't sure if I should be insulted or not that he thought marrying me would be gross. I mean, it would be, he's 7. It was just really funny.

moms know best

Moms know the right thing, even when you don't tell them. I got my June package in the mail from mom today and it was perfect. It had two tupperware things that are sectioned off, two big bags of dried mangos and papayas (which are my favorite thing in the entire world), a new cincinnati reds hat, and the family pictures from mothers day. Let me tell you why these are all perfect.....

1. I can use the tupperware things to take a real dinner with me to work, which will take care of the not eating dinner problem
2. I am taking one of the bags of dried fruit to work and leaving it in my locker so that even on the days where I forgot or got too busy to remember to bring food, I have some there already. No more dizzy spells in the pool, it's not a good idea.
3. This morning I was running around like crazy trying to find my pink hat that I wear all the time in the summer (ie: showers become optional and my hair gets grosser). I couldn't find it, but no worries, I have a new one!
4. I was looking for some new family pictures, now I got them!

I don't know what it is about the mommy intuition, but it sure does work!